I have some wonderful new tattoos on my ass by the incredible Cris Cleen, who I love, and I posted a picture of them on twitter, which got many favorable comments but there were two negative ones, and I blew a fucking gasket. I screamed out loud and tracked the perps down and blocked them, but not before really ramming it to them in the strongest language I could use. It was over the top and really kind of ridiculous, but I cannot help myself.
Some outside facebook observer said that my “language” was too much and told me that I had “lost a fan” because she couldn’t condone my “language”. I am sorry for that, as I love my fans, and it sucks to lose one, but obviously she doesn’t understand that when you grow up the way that I did, with kids at school throwing rocks at my face because they hated it because it was so ugly to them and they wanted the blood from my wounds to cover it so it wouldn’t have to be seen and at summer camps stuffed dog shit in my sleeping bag because I was told time and again that I looked like shit – and that I had to empty myself in the dark forest and still sleep in smelling that shit all that night and for weeks after because my family was too poor to afford a new one, my “language” is on the strong side. I apologize for offending the former fan, but I am only myself. That is all I can be, and if I must apologize for that, I don’t mind. All I am trying to say is that no young girl should be told she is ugly. If she is, you kill her spirit, and she may grow up like me, and lose a fan.
I grew up hard and am still hard and I don’t care. I did not choose this face or this body and I have learned to live with it and love it and celebrate it and adorn it with tremendous drawings from the greatest artists in the world and I feel good and powerful like a nation that has never been free and now after many hard won victories is finally fucking free. I am beautiful and I am finally fucking free.
I fly my flag of self esteem for all those who have been told they were ugly and fat and hurt and shamed and violated and abused for the way they look and told time and time again that they were ‘different’ and therefore unlovable. Come to me and I will tell you and show you how beautiful and loved you are and you will see it and feel it and know it and then look in the mirror and truly believe it. If you are offended by my anger and my might at defending my borders and my people you do not deserve entry into my beloved and magnificent country.
If you were raised lovingly and told you were perfect and beautiful and loved and the best at all things, I am just jealous. You had it much better, and so you really should spread that love around as opposed to judging those like me who never had that, never knew what it was like and never could even imagine it. I could learn from you instead of feeling judged by you. Give the less loved and less cared for and less treasured a chance. If I had that opportunity, then my language and attitude might not be so offensive. If I had been told once when I was a little girl that I was pretty (other than when I was being sexually molested – that doesn’t count) it might have made me nicer. It just didn’t happen. So I had to make do and make up for it myself. And that made me a bit on the edgy side. It made me a bit of a bitch.
When someone says something negative about my face or body I will always and forever just completely lose my shit, because I have so much hatred in me, a violence that lies just beneath the surface of my delightfully illustrated skin. Being called ugly and fat and disgusting to look at from the time I could barely understand what the words meant has scarred me so deep inside that I have learned to hunt, stalk, claim, own and defend my own loveliness and my image of myself as stunningly gorgeous with a ruthlessness and a defensiveness that I fear for anyone who casually or jokingly questions it, as my anger and rage combined with my intense and fearsome command of words create insults meant to maim, kill and destroy.
Things I could say should be left unheard and unsaid because I am not willing to be the bigger person. I do not take the high road. I take the low road and blows below the belt are my absolute favorite. The best revenge is not living well. The best revenge is revenge. My mouth and mind and typing fingers are weapons of mass destruction and I pity those ignorant idiots who would leave insults about mine or any women’s bodies in comment boxes because there’s ways of hunting people down. Lots and lots of ways. It’s not as anonymous as they think, as stupid as they are.
I’d like to say things that would haunt them for the rest of their days, because their hideous words stay with me eternally. Their insipid spouts of “no fat chicks” are branded onto my soul, so they must reap what they sow. If I am in my worst way and I talk to you, you will know you have been talked to. I want to punish you with the unforgettable shit you will take to your grave and hurt you long after you are dead in the ground. may my poison bore holes in your dry, decaying bones. I am not proud of this, but it’s just the way this life has made me.
I want to defend the children that we still are inside, the fragile sensitive souls who no matter how much we tried were still told we were not good enough. I want to make the world safe and better and happy for us. We deserve beauty, love, respect, admiration, kindness and compassion. If we don’t get it, there will be hell to pay. I am no saint, but I am here for you and me. I am here for us, and I am doing the best I can.
Your post here Margaret was a breakthrough for me. Through your post here I have come to learn and understand and finally feel fucking vindicated by your story and your words. Like you I am edgy, angry at times even, advocating and going ape shit as needed but I cannot and never again no will not. shut. the. fuck. up. And the Lucy’s the dollfaces those treasured and adored who knew what it felt like to be valued to be cherished… if they cannot understand where I am coming from or refuse to understand the history of the Oppressed in that we cannot be polite or silent… that our histories are built upon fires of endless shame and humiliation (like the frog legs thrown into my head in 7th grade, to the teachers who joined in in the snickering, to the rocks thrown at me, to the countless countless remarks, playground screams hurtling abuse at me, to the boys who made me suck their dicks and I did at 11 because I was afraid they would tell but they did anyway… but no one believed they would touch a fat ass like me) to the countless times these happened only to go home to an alcoholic “father” who stopped asking me to touch his dick once I got fat enough and the mother too busy pleasing him to care…. because of the food stamps and the jeans I got from my Mom and teacher pointed them out in school calling them High waters which they were but I had no money for my own…… for all of THAT.
Yes. Yes. fuck yes…. I am a bit angry. Yes I too lose my cool and fuck the world if they cannot be a bit sympathetic to the post tramautic stress syndrome I still affect and the daily war I fight to reclaim my body and to nourish her the long overdue assurances of love, respect and care.
I have found since growing up that most people dont care dont want to hear are not sympathetic. They have no idea. and they dont want to know, no doubt because that would unbusy their own childhood hate laying quiet in their shiny souls of fucking creamcheese topped muffin land.
So all this this little soliliquy is here to say Yes. Yes. Margaret. THANK YOU for speaking your Truth and mine as well. Thank you for validating the wildfire burning in my chest still to this day… the part of me that bright protectress who somehow managed to emerge from the onslaught of a life that tried very hard to grind me into the dust.
Sarang Hae Yo, Margaret! Keep the torch burning my lovely fierce and wild beauty.
Margaret, I really wanted to thank you for this. Last week, I saw a car with the bumpersticker “No fatties – car will scrape.” And even mainstream shows like How I Met Your Mother makes jokes about how many fat, ugly chicks are out there. Even in this extremely politically correct world, it’s still acceptable to torture women with the idea that those who are not thin, perfect and gorgeous are worthless. This post was something I really needed to hear. Because of you, I will fight for myself. And I’m really glad to have you on my side. I really am grateful for you and your writing.
Stay awesome, keep doing what you’re doing.
Rhonda
Your tattoo is beautiful, and you are beautiful.
love you gorgeous!
Margaret,
Thank you. The tears that I cry as I read and re-read this post are for you and me and everyone else. Thank you for sharing these insights into your soul and for inspiring women everywhere to love ourselves. Thank you for standing for true beauty.
Ohhhh, Margaret Cho! You are so f^*king AWESOME! Gorgeous, smart, and funny, too. Always have been. Still think All-American Girl was one of the funniest, best shows on TV.
I totally related, reading your pain. Being attacked for your appearance is hard to shake. And if there aren’t any safety nets anywhere, not even at home, it can take a lifetime not to ever let it bother you again. It’s easy for those who haven’t experienced that level of harshness as a kid to say, ‘let it roll off your back.’ It’s just not that easy for many of us, and no one can tell you to change how you feel or express those feelings. If that change can come, it will, in it’s own time, if at all. And it has to come from a deep want/need to change from within. If you’re good with it, then why change?
Even that blowhard Texan Dr. Phil, says something like \it takes a thousand atta-boys/girls to erase just one you’re ugly, worthless\…. pick a pejorative. And for most who have gone through this, I actually think he may be right, for a change. Or maybe not. Maybe it takes a million or more. All I know, is that reading that pain, feeling my tears well up in my eyes, I know I could have written much of what you wrote,( save for a tweak here or there) pretty much verbatim.
You may have lost a fan but you replace her with an army.
You may have lost a fan but you replaced her with an army.
Margaret, you are amazing and beautiful. If some people can’t see that, they’re very foolish…. Love your tattoo.
Margaret!
I loved this rant! I too feel liberated by it. In so many ways. This is not just about beauty, Margaret, it’s about self-expression and all the ways people try to stanch our doing so. You’ve inspired me to embrace that flow. You ARE beautiful and I really want to go back in time and stop those idiots at camp and at school. I think you’ve fully squashed them with your true powers (language, which, you’re right, can devastate in permanent post-grave kind of ways). But still. I wish I could storm up to those cruel, tiny-brained kids on the scariest guise of their individual nightmares at THAT time, or rather just before the rock or shit left their hands or the words left their lips and just terrify the living shit out of them before you had the slightest inkling of meanness. Just Nurse Ratchett the hell out of them and scar THEM for life and leave a little happy bit of pleasure on the place of those experiences for little kid Margaret. Gorgeous tattoo. Gorgeous butt. xo
You ARE beautiful. On the inside, too, I’m sure, and in the every-soul-is-beautiful way; but I just mean by the straightforward, visual meaning of the word. You are beautiful.
Ms. Cho: you are divine and ruthless, a warrior speaking for yourself and speaking for many, even if you didn’t plan it that way or mean it that way. I have been a fan of your tattooed ass before it was illustrated, and you are precious to me, even though we may never meet. I am a middle school special education teacher, and everyday I try to teach my girls and some of the boys how to fight back by smiling a little smile and knowing they are valued and loved by at least me; teaching them to use words that elevate and illuminate them to, first, themselves, and then to the world; to become divine and ruthless warriors.
thank you for having the words to fight back for those of us who have ever been made to feel less than. your rage is beautiful.
Margaret Cho is a champion for outsiders and I love her for stickin’ to the assholes of the world.
Holy hell. I loved you before, in my youth, and I somehow managed to not be aware that you have a blog. I am still weeping from this post, from the comments, and from my own experience. You are a phenomenal woman, in every sense of the word. Thank you. And your tats are freaking gorgeous, as are you. Like someone said earlier, you might have lost one fan, but you’ve gained an army.
I suspect you’ve gained more fans than you’ve lost.
I read your article with pleasure, and am hoping that you’d agree that the same comments shouldn’t be directed at boys either. As a boy who grew up hating himself because he wanted to be pretty and was told boys couldn’t be, your comments made me envy all the girls and women who could see in you a defender. I hope you don’t mind if I look to you in the same way. Everyone should be able to feel strong, handsome, pretty, beautiful, gentle, kind, virile and powerful.
We take at least half of those away from everyone by assigning them to the other gender then strip the rest away to injure.
So, while I may be a man now; While I may be tall, heavy, and built on a frame like a bear; while I may be assumed by society to be incapable of controling my libido; while I may be expected to be knight-gallant, warrior defender and guide through hard places, I claim the right to be small, vulnerable and needy despite that right being taken from me as a child; I claim the right to be caring, gentle and nurturing despite that being taken from me because of my size, and most of all I claim the right to be sweet, cute, pretty, beautiful, sexy and even hot irrespective of the shape of my body and despite those all being denied to me because I was born male.
But if you can hold good on your offer “Come to me and I will tell you and show you how beautiful and loved you are and you will see it and feel it and know it and then look in the mirror and truly believe it.” then here I am, because for all that I claim my rights to be who I wish, I still can’t yet look in the mirror without seeing the ugliness and violence that I’ve been labeled with as a man.
Margaret, I hope that my 2 year old daughter grows up to find you as intelligent, beautiful, and entertaining as I do. Seriously.
I love you.
It’s a beautiful tattoo on a beautiful ass. Those people are just stupid.
I just want to say that you are SO INSPIRATIONAL. I love that you don’t take shit from people lying down and that you are strong enough to stand up for yourself. I know that there are a lot of people in this world, young and old, who are not strong enough to stand up to bullies and tell them how amazing, beautiful, intelligent and inspirational they are. We need more women in this world pushing against society’s fucked up gender norms and definitions that try to limit and crush women’s actions and self-esteem. I hope I can be as strong and have the amount of self-esteem you have one day.
In solidarity,
Julie xo
I think you are a beautiful person, inside and out. You’ve had a hard past (mine’s not been easy either), and you have emotional scars and harsh words, but I think that’s part of what makes your soul so beautiful.
Thank you for writing this and inspiring girls who feel down, or trapped into society’s stereotypes and idea of beauty.
you are my bitch, Cho. you and me, we are sisters of the same kind of suffering, grit and fire. we have a badass belief in ourselves created through the crucible of life. the ink on our skin is ownership – this body is MINE. and relatedly, so is this mofo’ing soul, heart, mind, spirit, essence. my mind is Jedi tight, as is yours, and its time to call shit out, own our voices and be the rEVOLUTIONARY forces we are. each time someone like you or i speak out, M, we give agency, hope and direction to other women and girls. too many fucking vacant barbie dolls selling perfection as a visual whore art. its not art – its fucking surgery, anorexia, bulimia, laxative abuse, self hatred, and misery. skinny bitches may have an advantage but to what – becoming vapid objects rather than full breasted, fire breathing beings?
one day, in the far off future, i wanna stand on a mountainside or beach with you and a bunch of other warrior women and HOWL at the mofo’ing full moon.
keep howling, sista…much love, another M.
I fucking love you for this! I never had dog shit put in my sleeping bag but I got called “ugly” so many times and in so many ways growing up that I commiserate with your anger 110%. Good for you for standing up for yourself and putting them in their place even though it meant losing a fan. Reading this just made a fan out of me :)!
Even aside from all that (with which I agree entirely, btw) – there’s just the assininity of criticizing something permanent. I’ve had some friends get some LAME-ASS tattoos (not that yours are, cuz yours are awesome) – and when they say “Check it out dude,” IMHO there is only one appropriate response: “Cool tat, man.” Anything less just shows the kind of thoughtlessness that nobody really needs to have around . . .
Margaret, I think I love you.
No, no. I KNOW I love you!
If you ever feel like settling down in the SF Bay Area, you will always have a marriage proposal. 😀
I just wanted t say GOOD ON YOU! You ROCK! I have a 6 year old daughter and every day I tell her she is wonderful and beautiful she is because she is! Every little girl is beautiful and deserves to feel like a princess. I grew up with a mother who did not mean to do and say the things she did (but she still did) but they are still with my to this day, 36 years on. I love your tatoo(s) they are hot – thank you for sharing them. No one has the right to comment on how you look or choose to put on your body. I think you are fantastic for taking a stand against negative wankers who have absolutely nothing better to do.
I love my rage, and yours. Some people will never understand what some other folks’ childhood was like & what we had to be to survive. But because of it, we are still here and we are awesome. Kick ass, take no prisoners, love when you can, and NEVER apologize for knowing you have the right to be yourself.
This was beautiful, & so are you.
I am not as angry as you are, and I do not have as much reason to be, but I understand you, and I accept why you are you, yes, I do.
Amen, sister. A-fucking-men. As the Asian girl in a small southern town, I say thank you.
One of my clients tells her children \Thou shalt not kill, but people murder each other every day with their words. Do not speak death and hate and murder to anyone, do not let those cross your lips\. You are a beautiful person despite what you’ve went through. I had a hard time of it, more than most but less than some. So sooo many people have said how do I turn out ok when I come from such atrocities. I take my positivity pill. My friend, Russ, says its like being in a burning building. You aren’t going to mope around and woe is me about the building being on fire, you pick yourself up and try to get out. It doesn’t mean being fake or saccharine, its just doing something proactive with what you’ve got in the situation you’re in. I made what happened to me be of use to me, as any other tool or learning experience. I don’t keep secrets of anything anyone has done to me, I don’t waiver in defending anyone and I do not under any circumstances lie to myself. You have done the same and if no one has told you yet, I’m proud of you. Proud of you and that part of you that is a kindred spirit. Fly free, Love.
You are an amazing woman. I love your humor, your bone structure and your ink. The new tat is gorgeous and should be celebrated.
Speak your truth and be beautiful.
Dear Ms. Cho, I am not very familiar w/ your work, but I saw the re-posting of your article which was linked at Jezebel.com.
First of all, that is some exceptionally well-written and emotion work of words! It resonated with me so deeply, as I also am not “conventionally attractive” and have had some ugly shit said to me when I was younger. STILL, I remember certain things said like it was yesterday… when it was actually about 2 decades ago.
You are so right in your wrath of writing this – yet, sadly this kind of thing is SO RAMPANT in comments on articles online which feature a woman. “She’s not even hot,” when the article is about some young intelligent neurophysicist or something. Women on the internet better not show pictures of themselves unless they’re considered “hot,” it seems. On Facebook, I ‘liked’ a page of a band that I really enjoy. A few weeks ago, they had a thing where you could post a pic of yourself wearing one of their shirts to share w/ them. I actually had a pic of myself wearing their shirt, but after seeing the other pics that the few girls who posted put up, I opted not too. All of the other girls were younger/skinnier than me, wearing nice makeup and done hair. And the guys were posting comments about how hot the girls were. The pics of dudes wearing the band’s t-shirts, of course there were not comments about the fan’s personal appearance. I knew that if I posted a pic of myself, an avid fan, that other (male) fans would just tear me down for being fat and not cute. It is a shame that I should have to feel this way.
Thank you for writing what you did – it is an amazing post.
I totally want to give you a huge hug… But then I’d probably start blubbering all over you.
Thank you for being strong. It’s a tough fucking thing to do, and I have an incredible amount of respect for you for standing up for yourself.
And any fans you lost over this, I’m sure you will gain 20 to replace. Why do I say that? Not just to give you a ‘comforting platitude’, but because you kick ass and take names, and that’s respected, dammit.
thank you. this rage is felt rightfully by those who have been bullied and abused. people don’t understand it, but they should accept it. it is a liberating rage and i love what you’ve done with it. thank you for being beautiful and for telling us to embrace/flourish in our beauty.
Margaret – you express perfectly in this piece everything I feel, the rage that I refuse to apologise for. You are magnificent and resplendent in your rage at those who will tear us down, crush us beneath their heels as if it is their right to do so because they are considered more beautiful than we.
If I can be just a fraction as magnificent and resplendent as you are in this piece I will know I’ve made a mark on this world.
Thank you. Thank you for making a mark on the world.
Thank you so much! I want to send this to my sister, who suffers so much from this kind of shit, too. And she is so smart and so kind and so beautiful, and she doesn’t realize how special and wonderful she is.
You go Margaret. You just go.
Margaret Margaret Margaret
You are beautiful, but not because I think so (even if I do)!
I’m someone who had a lot of issues about my appearance. I thought I was ugly. Not thought, I was convinced of it, for most of my life, because of what I heard growing up. (Of course I took what I heard and magnified it even more.) And it didn’t matter who told me I wasn’t.
It took a long time to let go of that; and most of the progress didn’t come from focusing on appearance one way or the other.
So I think you are both awesome and beautiful, but if you don’t believe it, does it matter?
The problem is this – there will always be assholes in the world. It might feel good to tell them off when they make public displays of assholiness. But it also means they got you, again, because they have no power if they don’t find an “echo” inside you. If somewhere inside you are still holding on to the crap you heard from parents or other people when you were young, then their words will bounce off that wall and echo around every time. When they make those comments, they may be shooting them it you, but whether they know it or not, they’re just making you a decoy for themselves.
If you *know* (not just say) your beauty is completely subjective, and has nothing to do with someone else’s perception, then nobody can touch it. So when you hear something (even if not directly) that triggers that echo, hold onto it and start it in the face. See whose face it really is. And then you can treat it as if someone came up to you and told you the moon was made of Camembert.
Otherwise it’s just a big chain of abuse. Just like closeted gay people who feel the need to abuse gays, or fundamentalist Christians who are struggling with their inability to believe total wacked bullshit and go attacking everyone who openly questions wacked bullshit, you can be damn sure that people who feel the need to make hurtful comments on someone else’s appearance are probably dealing with the same kind of abuse that you and I did. I did it by withdrawing, you’re doing it in a reaction (if well-deserved); they’re doing it pre-emptively.
Always be a target out of range!
Big hugs from the other side of the world!
You are magnificent. Thank you for this.
Also, your tattoos are gorgeous
You are beautiful. I may not have a tattoo, I don’t watch much comedy central anymore, but my Asian daughter & I watched you Dance. She didn’t like you because you were Asian, or because of the way you danced, she liked you for YOU. You make people smile. You are witty, and yes, beautiful. Screw those judgemental people. Obviously you have loads of people here who disagree. Sure, I’m sad to hear what you had to go through, in fact, it seriously gets my blood boiling. But forget that past. Look at you now. This 45 year old mama thinks if I were you, I’d have something to tattoo to those people on your other buttcheek!
Dear Ms Cho,
Thank you. Thank you for sticking up for yourself, and for everyone else who struggles to find their own beauty in the face of others telling them, telling me, they are ugly.
I love you a lot right now, I have always thought you were hot as hell, rib-achingly funny, and smart as a whip, and I’ve always admired your chutzpah… but right now I love you a whole lot.
Thank you.
xo
You have just gained one fan, Miss Cho.
Well Margaret – you gained another new fan because of this blog. You are bloody wonderful and beautiful to boot. As the dad of a 5 year old girl – I can not imagine anyone thinking she is not the most amazing, beautiful, wonderful little person on this earth. I think she is the best – and I will always be her number one fan. Your story and your words really hit me. Thank you. I am not offended by honesty; I am humbled by it. xox Sean
When I witness and hear about this type of anger, it makes me feel less isolated and crazy, less like its me with the problem as so many will do anything and everything to make me feel.
I could go on about my inability to be polite and well mannered in the face of such blatant disrespect and hate, but instead, I would rather let you know that YOU are the reason I became a loud brassy take no shit bitch. You are the reason Im going to be getting up on a stage and doing burlesque. You are one of the many reasons I am hopeful and happy to keep on fighting.
And that tattoo by the way (as well as the ass its on) looks amazing.
understood.
you are beautiful.
You’re beautiful and incredible, Margaret Cho, an inspiration beyond words. I hope you can remember that in your times of anger and trouble. It is a fight worth fighting. Thank you for everything, for your honesty and your anger. This post made me muse about related issues at my own blog.
(Not a plug, just wanted to give you evidence of your genuine inspiration, and how your voice moves so many critical conversations forward.)
http://liferoar.wordpress.com/2012/01/13/my-mouth-and-mind-and-typing-fingers-are-weapons-of-mass-destruction/