Like every true Los Angeleno, I am synonymous with my car. I have a mini cooper. It is tiny, efficient, easy on the eyes and easy to park, much like myself. I zoom all over the Southland with my ipod blasting out Broken Social Scene and I feel like a champ. My car goes fast and so do I. It is so fun to be in this little bubble and look around and see all the other people in their little bubbles, driving, singing, talking on the phone, paying attention to the road, not really paying attention, applying makeup, eating, drinking beer, etc.
Of course I am the kind of person who tends to pay attention to the road the most, because I’m watching out for the people not paying attention and applying makeup while drinking beer. I can’t believe people drink beer while driving. I mean, I get why DUI happens in general, because when you’re fucked up, you just want to get home as fast as possible, but doing it WHILE you’re driving seems, I don’t know, rude. It’s rude. I was in NY in a fancy town car coming into the city from the airport once, and the driver was drinking a Miller Light! He had it in the coffee cup holder! I was appalled! I started to yell, “Dude! Have the decency at least to HIDE it from me!!!” Don’t drink beer while you are driving. It’s rude!
Anyway, I was driving my beautiful little mini home from Santa Monica at rush hour yesterday. I am such an east side/Valley girl, because whenever anyone says “West side” or “Venice” to me, part of my soul dies. You know you have to take a deep breath because it is always going to be 2+ hours holding your pee on the 10. Anyway, I was on Sepulveda, next to the 405 at 5:45 pm after sitting in traffic for an hour already, and my little blue bubble just burst. I don’t know what happened, but smoke just started pouring out of the engine. It was like a mini mushroom cloud rose out from under the hood and I couldn’t believe it. I was gridlocked on all sides anyway so I couldn’t move, and the smoke was so bad that no one even honked at me for making the gridlock a fuckwich, because even though LA drivers have no patience, they do have RESPECT for their fallen homies. Finally I was able to inch the car into a gas station, where I waited many hours for my beautiful husband Al, my wonderful gay husband Scott, and the gorgeous tow truck sent by mini cooper roadside assistance. We are nothing without our families yes, but we are TRULY nothing without our cars.
i can totally identify with having a car that is your safe bubble. i have a pt cruiser that i love dearly. it is my baby car. but the other day my son pointed out to me that only two kinds of people drive cars: thuggish teen-aged gang members, and fat middle-aged housewives having a mid-life crisis. can you guess which one i am?
This weekend I went to Benihana and got one of those 20 oz beers with dinner. Well, fuck me for not peeing before I left and having a tiny bladder. My husband drove home but I had to pee. And I mean PEEEEEEE. And no bathrooms close by.
I look all over the car for a cup. None other than his precious coffee mug. He wasn’t going for it and so I contemplated peeing in an empty can of sparkling water. I decided my vagina was far too big for that and I wasn’t going to try to squish my lips into the lid (besides, I’d cut myself!) Sooooo… what was left was a sandwich bag. A ziploc sandwich bag.
And yes, I went in it. A tiny bit dribbled out on the floor mat but nothing to fuss over. I then took the bag, and (sorry environment) flung it out the window. Car behind us was not happy.
But I was soooo relieved. Seriously, that’s the best decision I’ve made in the last few months. If you have to pee and only have a sandwich bag, go for it.
haha fuckwich. i had my clutch blow out on the 405 back in the day. it was my first car, i was 16 and driving to the valley to show it off to my old jr hs mates. i downshifted to third and i heard a boom. couldn’t get into gear and my car was starting to slow down. cars wheezing by me. 40mph, 30mph. i put the hazards on and slowly moved to the right lane. it was so freaky. thought i was going to die. anyway, i understand how freaky and frustrating it is to have something like that happen.
i didn’t know you were married…
So I actually found your blog through Needled.com, amazing tattoo by the way. And though I’m pretty much a lurker I have to say that I love everything you write. The topics are great and your style of writing makes everything better. This entry made me laugh out loud, so please keep writing =)
Oh and my friends and I have decided that one of the lower rings of hell is being stuck in traffic when you really really have to pee.
I feel you but you make me sad with your love of the automobile.
LA… I love it, but it is fuct.
Oh no! I wish I had a mini too! Parking in LBC is sooo freaking hard. 🙁 But at least your troops rallied for ya!
Oh, Sweetie, I hope you had something bitchy to say to BMW. I am guessing your Mini is no more than three years old, so engine failure is so not allowed. You do not sell lemons to Margaret Cho. It just isn’t DONE!