‘ve asked Keri Smith, my webmaster for Loveisloveislove.com, to take over for me today because I’ll be without internet access for the weekend. Thank you, Keri.
Margaret has graciously allowed me to be guest blogger while she’s traveling today and I wanted to use the opportunity to push a platform I believe gays and lesbians and allies should adopt immediately: “Special Rights for Gays & Lesbians; Separate & More Than Equal Works for Us!”
Recent articles keep citing how public support for civil unions has skyrocketed, indicating that a lot of well- meaning but homophobic people are trying to find a “middle ground” on the gay civil rights issue, now that the prospect of full marriage equality is on the horizon. In demanding that all Americans have the same marriage rights, we’ve upped the ante, so to speak, and in doing so we’ve broadened the debate and made the unconstitutional “separate but equal” option of civil unions a lot more appealing to Middle America than it was only a few years ago. Politicians who might once have feared being labeled fag-enablers (A word I recently discovered on that grade-A-moron Fred Phelps’ website: Thanks Fred!) for supporting civil unions are now scurrying to embrace this half-hearted fence-sitting position in hopes that it will help them appeal to both sides in this debate: people who support equal rights for all Americans and people who support special rights for straight Americans. Since reaching for true equality helped bring about a lot more support for the less-than-equal solution of civil unions, I propose that the best way to bring about marriage equality in this country is to aim a little higher…perhaps for the SuperEquality that straight people now enjoy.
It’s just like that motivational bulletin board in your 7th grade English class: “Why aim for the stars when you can shoot for the moon?” (I said this was English class, not Science class). Why, indeed! Instead of fighting for mere equality, for gay and lesbian Americans to have the same rights as straight Americans, why not set our sights on Super Special Better Rights for all but the narrow?
Do you remember like 10 or so years ago when gays and lesbians were fighting for protection from discrimination in a lot of states and all of those “family” and “citizen” groups (as if gay and lesbian rights advocates are not citizens or don’t have families) set about trying to convince everyone that gays and lesbians wanted *special* rights? I was only in high school when most of that was happening, but I learned a lot about it from the documentary “Ballot Measure 9” (which you should go see right now if you don’t know what I’m talking about). Didn’t that seem like just the biggest lie in history (this was before Bush’s WMD lie)?? They actually alleged and managed to convince some people that equal rights for gays and lesbians were somehow “special” rights that straight people don’t already have. Incredible!
Don’t get me wrong, I know that there are quite a few people with special rights in this country. Like from where I’m sitting, those 1,049 + federal rights that straight people can get when we marry seem to be pretty special. They’re enough to make me consider tying the knot (that and the possibility of having someone else buy me a juicer and some new bathroom towels). But since conservatives seem SO willing to ignore the true inequalities in this country, since they’ve been willing to lie and say a fight for equal rights is a fight for special rights, since they seem poised to accept the inferior “separate but equal” solution of civil unions over true marriage equality in this country, then I say: let’s give them what they want! Separate And More Than Equal Special Civil Union Rights work for me! Here are some ideas for these *special* and *separate* unions that will make even the most self-deluded homophobe speak up for, nay, demand Equal Marriage Rights for all:
1) Civil Unions should only be for gay and lesbian couples. Sorry, straights would spoil the sanctity and all.
2) All who enter into such a Civil Union should be afforded the same legal rights as Married couples, all 1,049 + of them: you know, rights like being able to adopt your partner’s children, being able to visit your spouse in the hospital or make medical decisions for her/him in a time of crisis, and being able to cover your spouse on your health care plan.
3) In addition to those 1,049 + federal rights, Separate And More Than Equal Special Civil Unions (!) will also come with: a lifetime 25% off coupon to the bookstore of your choice, a vacation ranch in Crawford TX, a mini-van, two free video rentals, free healthcare for your family, and a special additional tax break which will entail Fred Phelps being required to pay your taxes once you get civil-unionized (think of it as a “Healthy Civil Union” initiative, not unlike Bush’s proposed $1.5 billion Healthy Marriage Initiative that would promote and somehow ‘protect’ straight marriages)
Straight people who want to partake in the rights extended to gays and lesbians through these Separate And More Than Equal Special Civil Unions will be ridiculed, obviously, for trying to get special rights. And when those straight-enablers who fought against Marriage Equality in the first place finally start petitioning and wailing for Equal Rights For All we can tell them to shut up and take their straight agenda someplace else!