My advice to young women about sex – well that’s an interesting thing. I have had a great deal of sex in my life, yet not a lot of people ask me sex advice. Perhaps its because I complain a bunch about it and nobody likes a squeaky wheel although it does get the grease. I don’t know. I have it less lately, more because the level of my desire has gone way down. It may be aging, or a health issue, or a kind of shutting off of lights in certain rooms that don’t get used much in order to save energy. I’m being green about it.
It might be because I have had a lot of sexual experiences I didn’t want. Now that sounds like rape and it isn’t exactly, because that has happened too, and I know what it feels like. I don’t have any shame around that, or being molested, since I had no say in it and nothing to do with it. I just happened to be physically smaller and that’s not my fault, so I refuse to let that bad stuff hang around and mess me up. how much it has taken from me, I have no idea – I refuse to look at it, so it doesn’t exist. Therapy hasn’t helped me around it, but I also just don’t care. Not caring has helped more, frankly. Not caring is like a balm for all wounds and suffering. Not caring rules. Being able to say, “I don’t care”, is like saying “I love you” to yourself. It’s like ultimate power, and you don’t even care. Awesome. We can’t control what happens to us, but we can control how much we care. That’s the best. I hope you consider that, whatever you’re going through, and if you are a young woman, you are going through something. I am an old woman and I am still going through it. I am sending my love to you and hoping I can help some.
But the sex I am talking about having, the kind I didn’t want, is sex I initiated with people I wasn’t attracted to so that I could get finished faster, or so I didn’t have explain whytowherefor I wasn’t into it or into them, or I loved them so much, but the chemistry wasn’t there, and I felt bad for them and so I would leave my body temporarily for them to do what they wanted, like “take what you want, I’ll be over there” and then return at the end for cuddling and the nice warmth of sleeping in a bed with another person.
I had too much sex for the enjoyment of other people. I put myself last in the buffet line of desire. I just let it happen. I did it because I thought I was ugly, and if I didn’t take that chance right then to be loved, it wouldn’t happen again. That’s sad to me now, because I was such a beautiful young girl, like you are now, and I never appreciated that beauty when it was there looking right back at me. It’s ok though. I still look good.
I faked orgasms all the time, to the point where I never learned how to have them properly, and it became a weird big deal and I even remember when I almost had one, and I was really young, but something stopped me and I felt scared and self conscious and instead of really focusing and going ahead and having one, I just faked one and then kept doing it. It’s hard to go back and correct that. I don’t bother with that anymore. I never fake it, and I am sure sometimes people would wish that I did, but I don’t care.
Vibrators are fantastic inventions, and they should be used more. Keep it plugged in or charged or fresh with batteries. There’s all different kinds, new kinds, old kinds. I think vibrators are the best. Some don’t need them, but why not? who cares who needs what except what you need? That is all that matters. What you need is all that matters.
Remember always that sex is for you first, and then the other person by proxy, but actually it pays off better for the other person if it is for you first. Sex is strange that way. The more we are in it, the more we all win it. There is no ‘I’ in team, but there is a ‘me’. I just want to put slogans in your head so its easy to keep it in mind when you are doing stuff.
Sex can be amazingly great – if you are turned on, and gross and terrible if you are not, so trust what is exciting to you. That’s your ticket to ride, seriously.