Sex Advice

My advice to young women about sex – well that’s an interesting thing. I have had a great deal of sex in my life, yet not a lot of people ask me sex advice. Perhaps its because I complain a bunch about it and nobody likes a squeaky wheel although it does get the grease. I don’t know. I have it less lately, more because the level of my desire has gone way down. It may be aging, or a health issue, or a kind of shutting off of lights in certain rooms that don’t get used much in order to save energy. I’m being green about it.

It might be because I have had a lot of sexual experiences I didn’t want. Now that sounds like rape and it isn’t exactly, because that has happened too, and I know what it feels like. I don’t have any shame around that, or being molested, since I had no say in it and nothing to do with it. I just happened to be physically smaller and that’s not my fault, so I refuse to let that bad stuff hang around and mess me up. how much it has taken from me, I have no idea – I refuse to look at it, so it doesn’t exist. Therapy hasn’t helped me around it, but I also just don’t care. Not caring has helped more, frankly. Not caring is like a balm for all wounds and suffering. Not caring rules. Being able to say, “I don’t care”, is like saying “I love you” to yourself. It’s like ultimate power, and you don’t even care. Awesome. We can’t control what happens to us, but we can control how much we care. That’s the best. I hope you consider that, whatever you’re going through, and if you are a young woman, you are going through something. I am an old woman and I am still going through it. I am sending my love to you and hoping I can help some.

But the sex I am talking about having, the kind I didn’t want, is sex I initiated with people I wasn’t attracted to so that I could get finished faster, or so I didn’t have explain whytowherefor I wasn’t into it or into them, or I loved them so much, but the chemistry wasn’t there, and I felt bad for them and so I would leave my body temporarily for them to do what they wanted, like “take what you want, I’ll be over there” and then return at the end for cuddling and the nice warmth of sleeping in a bed with another person.

I had too much sex for the enjoyment of other people. I put myself last in the buffet line of desire. I just let it happen. I did it because I thought I was ugly, and if I didn’t take that chance right then to be loved, it wouldn’t happen again. That’s sad to me now, because I was such a beautiful young girl, like you are now, and I never appreciated that beauty when it was there looking right back at me. It’s ok though. I still look good.

I faked orgasms all the time, to the point where I never learned how to have them properly, and it became a weird big deal and I even remember when I almost had one, and I was really young, but something stopped me and I felt scared and self conscious and instead of really focusing and going ahead and having one, I just faked one and then kept doing it. It’s hard to go back and correct that. I don’t bother with that anymore. I never fake it, and I am sure sometimes people would wish that I did, but I don’t care.

Vibrators are fantastic inventions, and they should be used more. Keep it plugged in or charged or fresh with batteries. There’s all different kinds, new kinds, old kinds. I think vibrators are the best. Some don’t need them, but why not? who cares who needs what except what you need? That is all that matters. What you need is all that matters.

Remember always that sex is for you first, and then the other person by proxy, but actually it pays off better for the other person if it is for you first. Sex is strange that way. The more we are in it, the more we all win it. There is no ‘I’ in team, but there is a ‘me’. I just want to put slogans in your head so its easy to keep it in mind when you are doing stuff.

Sex can be amazingly great – if you are turned on, and gross and terrible if you are not, so trust what is exciting to you. That’s your ticket to ride, seriously.

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20 Comments. Add To The Mix…

  1. Great post!!!! Sex is such a taboo in this country, which is really a shame. Sex cannot be safe, OR enjoyable if you are not educated – and if you are afraid. Too many people won’t even open up to their partner about sex, and are afraid to use a toy to learn how to pleasure themselves. It is not shameful, it is NORMAL and healthy!!!

    Thanks Margaret, love you!!!

  2. Sex is something I’ve found hard dificult to define for myself, but I’ve said “no” more than “yes” and for that, I’ve a block to work through with my lover.

    But the phrase “i don’t care” to me, is like saying “I hate …” For Hate can only exist in contrast to love. Hate is fear of love. And stating ‘ I don’t care’ , implies that we have thought about caring for it. To me, that phrase is denial, but we’ve all got our crutches. So whatever gets you through… Just gotta be true and shed light on darkness.

  3. Hey Margaret, I was diagnosed with HPV and it’s really ruined my self confidence. I’ve convinced myself I will never have sex again. Before this I had a very active, fun and abundant sex life, which I really miss. I’ve stopped dating and stunted all my sexual outlets. I no longer feel human. Do you know anyone who had to deal with this? Do you have any advice?

  4. I’m a hetero guy, but a lot of this has applied to me as well. Having sex with someone I wasn’t really attracted to because of low confidence. Even faking orgasms just so the other person is satisfied.

    I don’t know if my experiences are atypical for a male.

  5. I am 32 y.o, a lesbian an accomplished Doctor, and all around an “adult woman”. And still this post for “young girls” has defined something for me that I was too timid to ever try and come up with words for.

    Margaret Cho you’re such a gorgeous brilliant filthy mouthed woman.

    And A. Nonnymouse, I know for a fact that you are not alone in this as a heterosexual or a homosexual male. It sounds horrible to carry this feeling Margaret Cho was talking about by itself, let alone together with it making you feel “atypical”. So please try to avoid both :-)

  6. Been there so many times I can’t count. When I was young, when I did the same thing where I would just basically let someone do whatever they wanted to me and I would go mentally away (it was like holding your nose while doing a shot of patron so you don’t have to taste it but you still get the after effects.

    I chalk it up to ~ in a deep sense ~ feeling as though my body actually BELONGED to men. So that when I was with them, it was like “here it is, it’s your say on what happens, take what you will.”

    So glad there are women like you, Margaret, who were there to get real with me thru the years after several years of your voice, I became a much stronger woman who did the work I needed to do on myself and with your inspiration, am a person who owns her own body today, in every way. Love you! See ya in Cleveland, OH on 10/5/12!

  7. Thank you for explaining “unwanted sex”!!! I’ve never been able to properly explain it to anyone. I too had a LOT of sex (and touching, and being fondled) that I was really not into, nor did I particularly want. I once had sex with someone just so he would go home. When I’ve thought through it and tried to make some sense out of what the hell I was doing I came up with only this: I needed to be TOUCHED. From my preteens until my early 20′s I could go DAYS with no physical contact at all. For those few moments of truly terrible sex I was being touched, focused on and someone actually wanted me around.
    Another aspect of my ridiculous promiscuity was that I seemed to be a magnet for predators from an early age and guys who just didn’t take “no” for an answer, and by my teens I had come to the conclusion that it was easier to just give in from the start. It was easier to just DO IT and pretend that I had had a choice in the matter, than to say no, and discover that I didn’t. It had nothing to do with the guy, and I’m not saying they would have ALL have been rapists, I just lost the ability to get the word “NO” out.
    But this story has a happy ending (to this point anyway) and that would be meeting my husband in my mid 20′s. A man who wasn’t trying to get me out of my pants an hour after we met? A man who declared, “I don’t think I’m ready for this….” the first time things started to heat up? I wasn’t ready either, but that had never been considered before.
    With this man I have discovered MY turn-ons, what I like, and ORGASMS. It took ten years to get to the point I’m at now, which is perpetually horny. A good partner who is ready and willing to take the time to TRY to un-do the damage done by overly casual sex, can be a balm to heal the mind and body and get the tingle back in your pants

  8. Margaret-

    Thank you for this post. Not only am I a huge follower of your career, but I fucking love your openness and honesty, especially regarding the issues deal with by women. Women need icons and role models who are real and who are not afraid of using their voice and sharing their experiences. You basically rock and so does your beautifully tattooed body ;)

    I myself am striving to be more fearless and open, and not long ago I experienced a sexual awakening. Since then, it’s opened me up in ways and in directions I’ve never thought I’d go. It’s given me ridiculous confidence in my acting career, and I’ve only just started to identify the appetite that I have for life, love, and sex.

    Women should be able to talk about this not just to each other but to men also. We’re like an untapped resource in the workforce and in the bedroom! Keep on being you and doin what you do.

    Love,
    Cristina

  9. I’ve found you funny for quite some time, and very attractive for just as long. Now that I’ve read some of your wonderful writing, I find you even more attractive. I had no idea you were this cool! If only I had friends like you!

  10. This might be the best sex advice I have ever read.

    “We can’t control what happens to us, but we can control how much we care.” YES.

    “Remember always that sex is for you first, and then the other person by proxy, but actually it pays off better for the other person if it is for you first.” I had never actually thought of it in these terms before, but it makes so much sense. I want to go have sex for me first RIGHT NOW.

  11. Hey Margaret,
    I just wanted to say thank you for writing this. Thank you for being honest, funny, and inspiring.

    Love from Michigan

  12. I was sexually abused as a child. Thank you for this. Really. You are brilliant and put it in a new light for me.

    So much love,

    From Canada

  13. Hi! I haven’t commented on one of your posts in ages!! I love what you wrote, for it’s uncompromising honesty. It also makes me sad, because sex is so often brutal, unwanted, and gross and ugly, as you said. I basically gave up on sex because I thought I was unattractive to women. I even considered (very briefly) having sex with men instead, maybe they would like me better. I am glad I didn’t follow through on that. I like women when it comes to sex. In the past two weeks I have become involved in something called One Taste. I don’t know if you have heard of it. It is about Orgasmic Meditation. It trains men and women to bring women to orgasm as a structured meditation. It is basically a form of Tantra. I haven’t done this yet, but will have the opportunity fairly soon. I hope this isn’t a cult. I have had experience with cults in the past, and I know how to deal with them. But it seems legit to me so far. I am not suggesting you try this, but I know, that for me, I need something that will force me to confront my ‘issues’ about having sex with women, so I can have what she and I both want. I like that this practice is focused on women, was founded by a woman, and unlike all other sex, men are there to serve the woman. I can let you know how it goes, if you like. Anyway, I am happy to be back commenting on your blog. It is refreshing, after hearing about how great sex can be, an honest appraisal from someone I respect. Thank you, Margaret!!

  14. You are awesome Ms. Cho. You are so open and honest and appreciate you and respect you. It’s always inspiring to hear what you say because you always speak your mind and don’t worry what people say.

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