There isn’t anything wrong with me but I love to worry about it, and the worry will win out in the end, causing no end of physical problems and maladies made real from dreams and reverse wishing, which is actually dread. When you don’t want something to happen, the constant thought that it might is like a neverending wish for it to occur. It’s a baffler, and unfair, but that’s I guess how it works.
Today i am confounded by toenail fungus, which has plagued my beautiful feet for a lifetime. I don’t know when i contracted it, but it certainly has had its way with my feet. I beg the nail tech to grind down the toenails afflicted, which grow up instead of out, making toenails that have more in common with big macs than toenails. They are taken off by file or drill but they are powdered into tough skin and I pay my $50 and I am out of there for a month or so, until they grow up again, tighting my shoes, mocking me in their oddness and fungal existence. Nothing I do, have done, no amount of fungicide and even medication will help. They grow up, thick and menacing, hornlike. I wonder if I left them alone if they would somehow cover my entire foot, and perhaps I wouldn’t need shoes anymore. Just my fungus and me, together for life.