Fire in the Hole

Ok my asshole is on fire and I know that this is only my own fault but it still hurts. I have a problem with spices, and it’s a Korean thing and I just wish my mouth would stop writing checks that my asshole cannot cash. I had salad with my friends John, Ian and Sarah last night, but they all had pizza, and so when the food came, there was the little red pepper shaker that people will use on their pizza along with parmesan cheese. I took the shaker and opened up the top and poured the chili pepper flakes onto my salad. There were a good 3-4 heaping spoonfuls of it. I am not sure how much exactly, but I am guessing by the violent hours I have spent on the toilet this morning, it was quite a lot.

It’s not that I like spicy food. I can’t eat food unless it is spicy. There’s a difference. I don’t really enjoy it that hot. It has to be that hot or I cannot eat it. There are some exceptions, like I love sweets and cookies and chocolate, but if it’s savory, there better be some Tabasco or some Tapatio or something to make it worth my eating time. I am not sure if it is an addiction or what, but this is how I eat.

I have seen Korean girls with mini bottles of Tabasco in their purses and I haven’t ever gotten in the habit of this but I feel a burst of compassion and understanding and community when I see it.

My mother eats the spiciest things in the world and remains unaffected. She will eat whole chilis dipped in chili sauce and not even need water or any kind of drink to wash it down. She should be on fear factor or something. That lady is unstoppable in the spicy things she can eat. My dad is not as hardy. There was always a little water dish on the table so that he and I could rinse the spices off the kimchi my mom made and we would still be watery eyed and red in the face even when the cabbage was washed clean of any red flakes.

I eat it and enjoy the heat but I wish someone would tell my asshole because even though I love it going down, it’s a trial coming out. My hole is like “wtf?” and these blistering hot excretions really are a high price to pay for the flavor excitement of chili.

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8 Comments. Add To The Mix…

  1. In my family, we call this ELD : Explosive Lava Diarrhea; and it is a mark of honor. A mark in one’s shorts, marks on the toilet bowl… all signs of intestinal efficiency and fortitude!


  2. when you have a bug up your ass, the only thing to do is eat beans, beans, and more beans as it takes an asshole to speak to one….whereby rimming is left out as this ELD might leave an equestrian hot fudge sundae that may leave them asking for more at dartmouth or someplace in new hampshire as if madras hadn’t changed its name to chennai and pondicherry was pound my cherry, yet, instead we get snake oil charmers selling us manna bears because bearish daddy types would be outlawed due to prop 8 phobias. thus, we return to rimming and i’d still be hopping to make my own kim chee and south of the border mole, since i LOVE spicy and it doesn’t impact me as such. sorry. that wouldn’t be fun, yet, caliente in miami never arrived even though they continue to advertise Heat. if you’re really straight, don’t hire an angry faggot because eventually you are going to bore him to tears and the imbalance of pseudo tolerance is going to only piss him off even more where he will have ELD spewing from his mouth and the sense won’t resonate with pain as it is coming from some people’s ass. thanks for the cryptic scatalogical details of intestinal fortitude and prickly attitude for such delectable faulknerian benders whereby i could be giving a course on this but they stole my glasses, tied my hands, and radical faeries were equally boring in the end. thanks — spice cranks it up so much more than these tired dope fiends where recreational comes through speed bumps leaving them recreating on their breathing asshole of fire thinking of everything they can be doing now that they have all of this energy from cranking up the chiles in their meth kitchen.

    have an absolutely beautiful kitchen. i hope to have a good night’s sleep after a hot tub. but, this country hasn’t really been that way with me. so, i’m looking into emigrating outta here after 15 years of homophobic crap. love you, but why is atlanta so booooooooooooooooring — or atleast this GA. crew is??

  3. Next time, have the pizza. It’s a nice indulgence once in a while. People eat salad thinking it’s healthy and then look what happens.

  4. angry squirrel — love that, as squirrel nut zippers. communing with deer and elk have been my favorite past time which was more endearing than watching a bunch of radical faeries sit around doing bong hits talking about a garden. i’ll take the salad, the munchies ruined the pizza since the sober people were doing the cooking. thanks.

  5. I screamed when I read this! I love spicy food but my ass is in crazy hell the next morning. My family just stares at me when I do it. It is torture but I keep going back. If spicy sauce were outlawed or they stopped making it, I might actually die. I am going to have to blog about this too – thank you for making it so funny and real!

  6. omg. im one of those korean girls. except i carry packets of tapatio in my purse. i also hoard various hot sauces from different fast food places around the house and in the car. just in case. you never know.

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