Ok my asshole is on fire and I know that this is only my own fault but it still hurts. I have a problem with spices, and it’s a Korean thing and I just wish my mouth would stop writing checks that my asshole cannot cash. I had salad with my friends John, Ian and Sarah last night, but they all had pizza, and so when the food came, there was the little red pepper shaker that people will use on their pizza along with parmesan cheese. I took the shaker and opened up the top and poured the chili pepper flakes onto my salad. There were a good 3-4 heaping spoonfuls of it. I am not sure how much exactly, but I am guessing by the violent hours I have spent on the toilet this morning, it was quite a lot.
It’s not that I like spicy food. I can’t eat food unless it is spicy. There’s a difference. I don’t really enjoy it that hot. It has to be that hot or I cannot eat it. There are some exceptions, like I love sweets and cookies and chocolate, but if it’s savory, there better be some Tabasco or some Tapatio or something to make it worth my eating time. I am not sure if it is an addiction or what, but this is how I eat.
I have seen Korean girls with mini bottles of Tabasco in their purses and I haven’t ever gotten in the habit of this but I feel a burst of compassion and understanding and community when I see it.
My mother eats the spiciest things in the world and remains unaffected. She will eat whole chilis dipped in chili sauce and not even need water or any kind of drink to wash it down. She should be on fear factor or something. That lady is unstoppable in the spicy things she can eat. My dad is not as hardy. There was always a little water dish on the table so that he and I could rinse the spices off the kimchi my mom made and we would still be watery eyed and red in the face even when the cabbage was washed clean of any red flakes.
I eat it and enjoy the heat but I wish someone would tell my asshole because even though I love it going down, it’s a trial coming out. My hole is like “wtf?” and these blistering hot excretions really are a high price to pay for the flavor excitement of chili.