Being Mad on Twitter

I have some wonderful new tattoos on my ass by the incredible Cris Cleen, who I love, and I posted a picture of them on twitter, which got many favorable comments but there were two negative ones, and I blew a fucking gasket. I screamed out loud and tracked the perps down and blocked them, but not before really ramming it to them in the strongest language I could use. It was over the top and really kind of ridiculous, but I cannot help myself.

Some outside facebook observer said that my “language” was too much and told me that I had “lost a fan” because she couldn’t condone my “language”. I am sorry for that, as I love my fans, and it sucks to lose one, but obviously she doesn’t understand that when you grow up the way that I did, with kids at school throwing rocks at my face because they hated it because it was so ugly to them and they wanted the blood from my wounds to cover it so it wouldn’t have to be seen and at summer camps stuffed dog shit in my sleeping bag because I was told time and again that I looked like shit – and that I had to empty myself in the dark forest and still sleep in smelling that shit all that night and for weeks after because my family was too poor to afford a new one, my “language” is on the strong side. I apologize for offending the former fan, but I am only myself. That is all I can be, and if I must apologize for that, I don’t mind. All I am trying to say is that no young girl should be told she is ugly. If she is, you kill her spirit, and she may grow up like me, and lose a fan.

I grew up hard and am still hard and I don’t care. I did not choose this face or this body and I have learned to live with it and love it and celebrate it and adorn it with tremendous drawings from the greatest artists in the world and I feel good and powerful like a nation that has never been free and now after many hard won victories is finally fucking free. I am beautiful and I am finally fucking free.

I fly my flag of self esteem for all those who have been told they were ugly and fat and hurt and shamed and violated and abused for the way they look and told time and time again that they were ‘different’ and therefore unlovable. Come to me and I will tell you and show you how beautiful and loved you are and you will see it and feel it and know it and then look in the mirror and truly believe it. If you are offended by my anger and my might at defending my borders and my people you do not deserve entry into my beloved and magnificent country.

If you were raised lovingly and told you were perfect and beautiful and loved and the best at all things, I am just jealous. You had it much better, and so you really should spread that love around as opposed to judging those like me who never had that, never knew what it was like and never could even imagine it. I could learn from you instead of feeling judged by you. Give the less loved and less cared for and less treasured a chance. If I had that opportunity, then my language and attitude might not be so offensive. If I had been told once when I was a little girl that I was pretty (other than when I was being sexually molested – that doesn’t count) it might have made me nicer. It just didn’t happen. So I had to make do and make up for it myself. And that made me a bit on the edgy side. It made me a bit of a bitch.

When someone says something negative about my face or body I will always and forever just completely lose my shit, because I have so much hatred in me, a violence that lies just beneath the surface of my delightfully illustrated skin. Being called ugly and fat and disgusting to look at from the time I could barely understand what the words meant has scarred me so deep inside that I have learned to hunt, stalk, claim, own and defend my own loveliness and my image of myself as stunningly gorgeous with a ruthlessness and a defensiveness that I fear for anyone who casually or jokingly questions it, as my anger and rage combined with my intense and fearsome command of words create insults meant to maim, kill and destroy.

Things I could say should be left unheard and unsaid because I am not willing to be the bigger person. I do not take the high road. I take the low road and blows below the belt are my absolute favorite. The best revenge is not living well. The best revenge is revenge. My mouth and mind and typing fingers are weapons of mass destruction and I pity those ignorant idiots who would leave insults about mine or any women’s bodies in comment boxes because there’s ways of hunting people down. Lots and lots of ways. It’s not as anonymous as they think, as stupid as they are.

I’d like to say things that would haunt them for the rest of their days, because their hideous words stay with me eternally. Their insipid spouts of “no fat chicks” are branded onto my soul, so they must reap what they sow. If I am in my worst way and I talk to you, you will know you have been talked to. I want to punish you with the unforgettable shit you will take to your grave and hurt you long after you are dead in the ground. may my poison bore holes in your dry, decaying bones. I am not proud of this, but it’s just the way this life has made me.

I want to defend the children that we still are inside, the fragile sensitive souls who no matter how much we tried were still told we were not good enough. I want to make the world safe and better and happy for us. We deserve beauty, love, respect, admiration, kindness and compassion. If we don’t get it, there will be hell to pay. I am no saint, but I am here for you and me. I am here for us, and I am doing the best I can.

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428 Comments. Add To The Mix…

  1. You are amazing, i’ve been watching you from my small town in a country where my value is based in conjunction with my waist size. I thank you for you language and you misbehavior!!

  2. you are amazing and hysterically funny and smart and hot hot hot! i’m sorry some douchebags in your past couldn’t see that but you rock and you make this world a better place for all women and i have a deep respect for you because of that – fuck those haters and fuck that “fan” – i will follow you on twitter like you on facebook and buy your dvd’s even more now just to make up for it! big love! xx

  3. I love you, Margaret. I am sorry that you ever hurt the way you did and the way that you do. Thank you for refusing to apologise for the horrible things that were a part of shaping you. Thank you for owning your hurt and your anger and your refusal to go easy on the bastards.

    We too readily hush those horrible things, ignore the monster crouching over us at every moment that we feel the pangs, instead of bringing that shame into the light, thrusting it into the light, and watching it squirm its maggoty squirm when faced with the reality if what has been done.

    Cry bullshit, and wear your scars – with pride and shame and venom and vitriol, with hate and sadness and sorrow and self esteem, but never ever with an apology. Cover your own skin that is yours and that you love and that others who love you love with the art that you love. You are enough. You are abundant, plenty, just exactly right.

    And you’re helping. So thank you.

  4. Ahh darn. The only thing that makes me hesitant on being angry is my stuttering, and my slowness in thinking/choosing the words that exactly convey my rage. That’s why usually I just decide to be the bigger person BUT FUCK IT. Thank you Margaret Cho – you’ve made me realize my right to be angry and fight back and reclaim myself when people insult me. I wish I had your eloquence…but I’ll work on it!! Thank you for the inspiration!

  5. The joy of self-employment is that you can, for sure, take down a troll or several without being fired or being arrested for disorderly conduct. You have a permanent invitation to go creep hunting with a baseball bat-your schoolmates or my family, take your choice. Adore you!

  6. Thank God for you. So many of us need you doing just what you’re doing. Perfectionism’s an epidemic, and the people handing out the infected blankets need to be smacked.

  7. I think you have a cute ass and I dig the tats. Way to stand up for yourself and every one else who has ever been made to feel bad about themselves. Thanks

  8. cannot even begin to tell you how entirely beautiful you are. how inspiring you are. infinitely love to you…..

  9. Ms. Cho- You are an inspiration. I write a blog about finding the joy in every day and while that may sound a little PollyAnna, it’s really about finding beauty in what you can. I find your strength, anger and command of words beautiful and remarkable. I have two daughters and far from trying to shield them from your “language” I will encourage them to read your post and 1. be grateful for what they have and 2. to kick ass always. As a girl, I was so trained to “be nice” that I couldn’t express myself even when I was walked all over. It wasn’t until my mid twenties that I found my voice and not until much later that I learned how to truly use it. And for anyone who says you have a horrible ass? They are a horrible ass. You and your ass rock hard!

  10. I just found your blog and will now be following it for as long as it exists. I already loved you comedy, but now I love -you- so much I just married you in my mind, even though I am already married and a straight woman (this is partially because you actually do have a great ass!). YES to defending our hurt little-kid souls!

  11. Thank you for your fearlessness and the absolutely appropriate use of language in the fight against small-mindedness. You are a beautiful warrior, Margaret. My own thought-processes and self-esteem is better because of the art you’ve put in the universe.

  12. I respect you, instantly. I hadn’t heard of you before reading this post. And I admire you, not for your pride, but for your conviction.
    That being said, while your powerful words ring true for the most part, it’s also disturbingly black and white. As a teenage girl who has been loved blindly by her blessedly accepting family but ruthlessly beleaguered by every closed mind at school who couldn’t tolerate her being “different,” I have to say that most of my attackers are almost certainly the ones with the most ardent of pains. Blasting them with hard words would have been easy, but I know, at the age of 14, that it’s the ones that call me “fat” that are the fragile sensitive souls you’re talking about. And hurting them will only make them push hurt unto others, like they did to you, and like you’re doing to them. There is no no-man’s-land between a bully and a victim. I think in this case, it takes more strength to be the pacifist than the warrior.
    But by all means, let those who admire you admire you. You want your fortress and your army, and you’ve got them. I won’t tear you down. But though you won’t care, and though we fight on the same side and with the same weapons, I will never respond to your draft and prolong a war that should have long ago died. I won’t inflate my bullies into enemies.
    By the way, I dig the tats.

  13. Dear Margaret … I hear how painful receiving this unloving comment felt to you. I can relate, growing up with 4 older brothers whose favorite pastime was emotionally torturing me.

    I have been doing emotional healing work for over 25 years, and I have found that if you really want to heal these deep wounds that you have to go underneath the rage that is protecting these wounds to the pain and grief you are holding there. Allow yourself to feel the pain there, and let it express through sound; allow the deep wailing, the tears, the agony that is waiting there for you to receive it. This will help to soften the defensive position you are holding. This will help to soften the hardened heart that you formed to protect the small, defensive child within who hardened to protect herself from these slings and arrows.

    I am sending you a gentle touch.

  14. Thank you for sticking up for yourself, girl. Sorry to be backtracking all your posts, but I just discovered you blogged while on twitterland today. I can relate to things you have experienced as I am gay in a rural town, but the idea of rocks at your face to cover it with blood, makes me hate the world and love it enough to want to change it all at the same time. I am inspired by your foul mouth and don’t fuck with me attitude. I have always thought it is better to give one hell of a fight to stop injustice rather than keep it classy and allow horrible things to happen. Silence=nonexistence :)

  15. The Cris Cleen tattoo on your ass is an amazing and appropriate choice. You are always inspiring Margaret.

  16. Margaret,
    I too grew up as a fat girl and still am to some degree. Part of it is me, part of it is the continual roller coaster of depression (I’m a Capricorn), and part of it is genetics and a difficult body frame I have no control over. I didn’t have kids throw rocks in my face, but from kindergarten through junior high, I went to school with a lot of mean boys and girls. In particular, there were a group of boys that would jump out of their seats and flail around when I sat down, as if to indicate that the act of my sitting caused some sort of earthquake in the room and they were suffering the aftershocks. It was ridiculous, but they laughed as my eyes would fill with tears. I could never figure out how their cruel words and actions were supposed to some how help me to realize that I had a problem, but instead sent me home to gorge on the nearest form of comfort food I could find. I grew up never eating a lunch at school, because I couldn’t handle the criticism. When we did have a field trip and I tried to bring something to snack on during the long day, I would hear things like “wow look at that pig with an apple in it’s mouth.” I couldn’t win with these people. Some of us went on to high school together, where these same people would ignore me in the hallways and pretend I didn’t even exist, like we hadn’t just spent the past nine years of our lives together. You and I went to high school together in freshman year. You might have even known some of the same people I am talking about. I seem to recall us having a class together. It might have been PE or something. I just remember you as being a pretty cool chick who seemed to be really popular and had a lot of friends. I admired your confidence and attitude back then and ability to stand up for yourself. I’m sorry that you had to endure what you did while growing up. I’m glad you are who you are today and continue to be an example to us all on how to overcome adversity and how to surround yourself with only those who support and accept you. I am trying to do the same though I still struggle with esteem issues developed back on the playground when I was only five. Thank you for listening.
    -Stacey

  17. I LOVE you for this. And for speaking my truth through your own. Never change, Beautiful. Your authenticity is a FIRE. You inspire me.

    *CHO FAN for LIFE*

    <3 xox

  18. Fucking awesome. You said all the things I’ve felt for years! I got my tattoos for the same reasons you did…to make my body beautiful and claim it as my own, despite the concerted efforts of many people to take that power from me and shame me with it. Your rage, courage and voice are all inspiring!

  19. Margaret Cho – I need YOU & your fierce, I’m-not-taking–these-words-back defense bc I too have been insulted, violated, & branded by undeserving shame, labels, & rejection over & over & over. & why is it that I internalize it all & then feel worthless & propagate their lies & am only left with the desire to die? Still I am so passionate & committed, with your influence & bc of your courage, to notice the unnoticed & keep loving everyone I encounter. Perhaps I can give some of that love & loyalty & acceptance to myself, but I strongly doubt it right now. I feel so punished & pained. However, I still remain here. Infinite Love & Gratitude to YOU MARGARET. I Love You exactly as you are.

  20. Thank you for not mincing words about this. Too many women allow people to insult them and respond nicely – because we were all told we had to be nice.

    I think you’re beautiful, but you’re also smart, courageous and funny – and we can sure use that in this world.

  21. Fuck fuck fuck fuck I cannot stop crying. I love you so much, Margaret. I wish you could teach me to be as fierce as you.

  22. This facebook girl is totally out to lunch – your fans love you BECAUSE of your language :-).

    Besides, what’s this language police thing? This is life, not kindergarden. And besides the only reason I can fathom to police language in kindergarden is so they know when to use the strong stuff..

  23. AH! I love you so much! The bit about dog poo at camp=me. Being South Asian, kids called me dot-head, poop face, diarrhea head, told me I smelled like curry and asked if Apu was my dad. Then high school happened and I was kama sutra and all sorts of other fetishized crap and old gross doughy white men who probably would have called my poop face when i was kid all wanted to get into my virginal panties. sometimes i hate non-Asians; heck, lemme say it, WHITE people. i don’t have blond hair, i wont ever be a size 0 (cuz I naturally have curve), and I could care less for your lack of rich history or culture. P.S. I live in Decatur. WOULD die to meet you!

  24. I love you. You are amazing and strong and beautiful and you give so many people hope for humanity, because by calling out all the assholes of the world you remind us that their douchebaggery is unacceptable and unconscionable and that we have the right to be treated like the goddesses we are and that we never have to apologize for demanding to be treated as such.

    If we were best friends I would poop on your Karl Lagerfeld suit & then mail it to him (overnight express, for you I would spare no expense) & I would include a webcam in the package sober could see his face when he opened it and laugh and laugh and laugh.

  25. What gives this man the right to judge? Unfortunately so many of our sisters buy into this mentality and blindly pay for those shackles called couture that he feels like he speaks to an approving audience. I love beautiful clothing but I love my self more. I applaud you Margaret. You are our Warrior.

  26. I feel the exact same way sometimes. I agree “revenge is the best revenge” not all the flowery crap people try to tell us to be happy for… Although I do vote my tongue, it’s because I can’t bare the guilt of hurting people’s feelings. I care what people think of me. You’re strong. People will always love you for that. I love you unconditionally Margaret Cho. You are amazing. I respect you and wish I had that ability to express myself the same way you do… But I guess I was loved just enough as a child to not feel That intensely… For me my problem is my parents didn’t say I was pretty enough. They old me once in a while. But I have Supermodel looking cousins. It’s hard To feel special when you have a few Tyra banks lookalikes for cousins… I’m not even kidding or exaggerating!! They have the forehead, the boobs, the style. I’m not even ugly really. I was just never told I’m pretty. And I should have been. But, I’m mom now. I just love my kids as much as I can. I tell them daily that I think they’re beautiful! I’m blown away by them. And I don’t get why my parents didn’t express that more themselves… But I can’t be bothered with that because I will get angry, so, I love my children. I’m sorry those kids were such pricks to you.

  27. Oh my Goddess,
    Loved your Lagerfeld rant so much!! Can you please come rant a bit,at my launch party? I am the new Local Leader for BraveHeart Women, Sonoma County, CA Chapter. The largest social networking site for inspired women on the fucking planet!! And we are changing the vibration of the entire Female Gender! I love you Margaret Cho!!
    Send me an email at club-bitch.com. I want you to be part of this incredible Global Transformation based on the Dalai Lama’s quote..”If the world is to change, it is up to the Western Woman.” Let’s do this!
    I would also love to share my “BITCH RAP” with you. It’s all about collaboration, not competition.
    Thanks for being you!!
    LOVE, Laurie

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