Home now eating delicious sweets from friends and enjoying an early night. I am so grateful for everyone who voted for us and kept us on the show. Yesterday was a really rough day. I wasn’t sure what to feel or think. I want to stay in the game so badly, so much that I can barely think straight. I know I can dance. I feel it in my bones. I want to do this for myself, the little girl in me who wants to be a beautiful princess – who wants to be seen and heard and loved and praised. I want to do this for all the girls who have been told they are not perfect – who have been told they are ugly and fat – who know deep inside that they are not those things… it’s so hard to face your own insecurity and doubts and fears. I really feel like I am doing that.
My body feels sore but also strong and capable. I am doing spins that weren’t possible two days ago. I can feel the floor through my bruised and calloused feet and my body is starting to understand what to do – where to step, where to stop, where to be physically silent, where to be loud. Louis is pushing me further and further – I am crying now all the time, not because I am sad, but because I feel like I am really in my body. I didn’t realize how much I have been avoiding being here – how little time I have spent in my skin – for my entire life. It’s the same with my house. I never really unpack. I never really am home. it is the same with my physical being. I have been told so many times that my body was not right – for this reason or that. I have abandoned myself so much that now it feels strange to stay here. To be here. One thing is certain – I am here now. I am doing this. It doesn’t exactly feel good, but it feels right.