My Skull is Such

I am pretty sure I have to get glasses. I don’t mind, but let me tell you something. My skull is such – that is a memorable phrase isn’t it and worth repeating – my skull is such that a normal pair of glasses will not fit my head. My nose does not have a bridge.

My Korean roots are very evident in my face so I went to Koreatown where I hoped to find glasses that could meet at the bridge of my nose. I failed miserably. Not only did they not have the glasses required to improve my eyesight, the bridge question was never resolved. It seems that many of the Asian makers of fine optical accoutrement do not take into account their own physical heritage. Every pair, Eastern or Western felt uncomfortable, slid down my face.

I refuse to call it ‘flat’ even though it might contain fewer planes than another say – European face. I have no problem with my face, as I have mentioned I am one of the most beautiful women in the world, which is a blessing but also a curse. My beauty is hidden mostly because the media cannot handle a woman who is intelligent, honest and ridiculous, so my beauty is ignored in order to flatter those who have not a brain nor a voice nor integrity. I am also hounded by the cosmetic companies who boast that they are worth it, or that I am worth it but honestly nobody is worth that kind of innocuous, time wasting blather.

The anger that I have right now is directed toward those who make, design and market glasses, which are probably essential to all people at one time or another, specifically not for – a skull like mine – if you will – a skull as such. So fuck all y’all.

What? Don’t you motherfuckers want me to be able to see? Fuck your driving jokes and the bullshit about the small eyes. I don’t want that. I need answers. Why can’t I, an accomplished comedian, world traveler, fashion icon, media mogul, artist, muse, dancer, gender revolutionary, social critic, maniacal despot, lifeguard, housewife, couture designer, pratfaller extraordinaire (Harold Lloyd can kiss my ass – he had the best glasses), jewelry maker, musician, humanitarian, law student, film producer, mystic, acclaimed writer, hip hop wannabe, visionary, activist of all activists – that is stupid – I take that part back – actually, I take all of it back, it is self- aggrandizing, and that is not what this is about. Why can’t I, an Asian American woman, find a decent pair of glasses that will:

a) fit my face
b) not give me a migraine whenever I put them on
c) not slide down my nose
d) not give me acne in the spots where the kidney shaped pads are placed on the glasses as if that would help me keep the glasses on my ‘misshapen’ misadventure of a head; safety brakes for my Black Diamond face, as the eyeglass industry refers to it
e) allow me to see clearly

Would the status quo have me left farsighted and blurred? Are they really thinking that Asians are bad drivers and should be stopped at the very first opportunity? Is the DMV eye test a sort of automotive ethnic cleansing?

Yes, I could wear contact lenses, but I don’t want shit on top of my eye. Sorry. That is the fucking deal. Give me my fucking glasses. For a skull as such, here is an order, not a request. I am not alone. My skull is not the only skull with these shapes, these planes, these valleys, these lowlands. We want to see. And I don’t want to design my own glasses. I don’t have time. I have more important things to do.

Nonetheless, this is extremely important.