In the Heartland, where in the daily paper there is a section called “FAITH,” there is a big feature on the Christian comedy movement. There is one man describing himself as a “Christian with an Attitude.” Right on. This comic is the main event at numerous Promise Keeper conventions. He rages against the illogically ‘politically correct’ and the ‘paganism’ practiced in Washington. I didn’t realize George W. Bush was into Wicca. How exactly is the government ‘pagan’? Does Congress consult the runes before passing laws? Is Ashcroft a shaman? Is part of the Patriot Act burning sage at Ground Zero and surrounding all our borders with a “white protective light”? Is Rumsfeld a witch doctor? Does he make it rain? Do they create foreign policy by the phases of the moon and make little bags of herbs for Condaleeza Rice? Does that mean our tax dollars are paying for mugwort, dragon’s blood, eye of newt? Is there an entire set of Al-Quaeda voodoo dolls, stuck with hundreds of pins? Do they use the Oval Office to scry? I do agree on the hypocrisy of certain politically correct types, who feel offended whenever they see a person of color in a film, because they are not being portrayed ‘authentically’. That authenticity required by these pc fucks is the same thing that they pretend to rally against, yet another virulent strain of racism. It lends an alien, unknowable quality to underrepresented minorities, as if we are not capable of the widely varied reactions and actions of all human beings, as we must be tagged and they must chart our migration across the Australian Outback in order to confirm and cross-reference the ‘reality’ of our particular culture within the larger context of the mainstream. Still, I do prefer this type of prejudice as opposed to the old school “hang onto your purse,” “round ’em up and put ’em in a camp,” “strange fruit” type of racism because it isn’t as deadly, but just as morally questionable.
The Christian with an attitude says that he doesn’t have to take the Lord’s name in vain to make people laugh. Sure you don’t have to, but isn’t it more fun? I happen to like committing that sin, and it is a bonfire of the vanities when I take the stage, and I also know that the God that I stay in touch with is a big fan, as He has a great sense of humor and made me in His image. I know that there is a God, and I talk to Him a lot. I have His number programmed into my phone. I have nothing against Christianity – it is funny, and they can put on a good bake sale. It just gets infuriating when there is a prevailing attitude that something about their faith lends itself to a kind of spiritual materialism, which leads them to an illusion of superiority that gives them the right to enforce prayer in schools, appeal Roe vs. Wade and ban gay marriage. It makes me wish I could backwards mask messages in my records that would make them all suicidal.
Promise Keepers are a slippery slope of contradictions and inconsistent theory, but their charm is not lost on me. They gather in the thousands, to celebrate and connect with their inner man, kind of like the International Mr. Leather Convention in Chicago, the infamous leatherdaddy beauty pageant. They are devoted to family, being the breadwinner, listening intently to what Garth Brooks was saying when he was exploring his dark side with his alter ego Chris Gaines, sort of a Bubba Ziggy Stardust, and applying these principles in their own lives. In a way the movement is admirable, as they are holding themselves accountable for their actions and living clean lives, but then again, shouldn’t everyone? Why do these fools need to pat themselves on the back for making commitments to the people that they love? Do I pop open a bottle of Cris just because I tied my shoe? But we all seek reassurance in our lives, no matter where you get it from. The source is your choice. You don’t necessarily have to join a cult.