Insomnia is going to drive me insane, or it may be the reason I am almost there already. My vision blurs, I can’t remember anything, there’s nothing I would rather do that lay down and close my eyes but when I do that, sleep doesn’t come. It’s that I am just stuck staring at the inside of my eyelids, waiting waiting and waiting.
When I was younger this never happened. I would fall asleep just by positioning my head in a certain way. Like a dog, I was out in seconds. Sleep was an escape from the world, and now I feel trapped. It’s terrible, but it’s also amazing when I do finally get to sleep, sometimes 3-4 days later. The entire structure of my awareness topples. It’s like a backwards Nestea plunge, although not into a cool, brown pool of iced tea, but into the warm bath of sleep. Dreams are colorful and hypnotic and they include sex with rock stars and really cute shoes and songs and jokes that beg to be written.
I awake so refreshed and illuminated that I bounce out of the bed like a superball. The swirl of life in me is freshly stirred and I can face just about anything. But now, with the curse of jetlag upon me, I have depleted all of myself. My hands shake and everything seems dismal and threatening. Food tastes ugly, if that could be imagined. All invitations want to be declined upon receipt. There’s nothing that pulls me down more than the intangible prison of consciousness. I know I should meditate, or never work or read in bed. Yes hot milk is a good idea and that lavender smells good but I also know full well I am incapable of certain types of self care, and this dumb affliction, for now, keeps me up at night, all night.