When I used to go buy books, stacks and stacks of dusty old ones for 10 cents each at used bookstores, I always went for the beauty manuals. Sometimes there were celebrity ones, like Raquel Welch’s, which gave all the credit to yoga and this disgusting green vegetable soup with no salt she swore gave her that unstoppable figure – and just gave me unstoppable diarrhea. There was also Cheryl Tiegs book, which spent many chapters going into almost pornographic detail about her binge eating(!) and how to overcome a paralyzing dependence on food. She describes her low point in life at the beginning of her modeling career where she weighed 155 lbs, which is actually what I weigh now, likely one of the lighter incarnations of my body, truly. 155 isn’t my low point and frankly I don’t think it’s too shabby. Cheryl Tiegs book has a lot of unappetizing recipes coupled with extremely appetizing photos of her in her high 1973 heyday. I love the fashion, makeup and hair and i think she looks great even though I am, to her, at a low point. Well, one supermodel’s low point is my high point. And i can look great in a crazy ski outfit too – which im not sure Cheryl wore, but I know Suzy Chapstick wore, and I always get them confused.
I guess I should write a beauty book too, even though I may not be considered a great beauty, I really am, and everyone should know. My beauty book would contain no judgemental numbers as low points and certainly no disgusting recipes for green things without salt. My beauty secrets are simple. Don’t wash that much. Eat but only the really good stuff and eat it when you really are hungry. Try not to eat to escape your problems. If you drink alcohol, chase it down with water if you can. Drink water anyway if you remember. The most important thing is tell other people you are really beautiful, and carry yourself like you are really beautiful. It’s more like labeling yourself beautiful, so that everyone knows to call you that, and if they don’t think you are, then they feel stupid for not being in the know. Share this secret with everyone and just believe you are the best looking thing that ever walked the earth. It’s weird but it totally works. Try it!