Yeah I know I got an anger problem but I don’t know what to do about it. It’s a problem but it’s not a concern. There are differences between problems and concerns. A problem is an issue, an unpleasant one, but it’s something we can all live with. We all have problems, but we can deal with problems. A concern is something else. A concern is a problem with a need for a solution loosely attached. It’s a problem that needs solving. You could have a problem forever and do nothing about it, but a concern – you’ve got to do something about that, because it’s a concern. You’re concerned. People are concerned.
Sometimes the rage in me rises up and it scares me in its intensity. I think everything is normal but then I am awoken unexpectedly in the night and that is the moment that I truly fear for the noisemaker. I feel the anger bubble up onto the surface of my skin from the inside and it makes me all tingly and scared. White hot feeling flashes like lightning and I could break through the porous surface of myself and let the beast out of its cage for a moment. How the beast in me would love this – how the beast in me would savor this freedom. How easy would it be to tear whoever or whatever is in front of me apart with the jaws of this meanness, this hate?
I think of war and I think that is the only place for the rage I have, the anger I have. War is the only place where my feelings fit. On the battlefield, I could see my rage having a purpose beyond destruction. I was born with this rage, I guess, so I could settle things. It’s that kind of rage. A settling kind. A negotiating force. Something to be reckoned with. I am the reckoning, I feel it inside, deep within, but sometimes shallow within. The shallowness is what scares me – how it lies just inches away from all other forms of life, everyone else just trying to get by.
If I ever blast this acid hateful rage onto you try to forgive me now before it happens. Know I did everything I could to keep you safe from me, this side of me, and the only way I could save myself from self immolation was to burn you. Forgive me now before anything happens. Forgive me so that I might be able to contain the fire and save us both.
I have no right to be angry and I have every right to be angry. Life has been good and bad in equal turns to me, and I can’t judge it because the equanimity of my fate and my fortune is neutral as Switzerland. I try to breathe in and out and remember that if I don’t succumb to the rage then it will be better for me. I hold myself back and surrender at the same time.
If you get angry then know I am just like you. If you get mad at me perhaps we could fight and then let the rage out of both our bodies and we might be the better for it. If we boil over together could we also both clean up the mess?