It’s tough sometimes for those of us who trade words for money. You say things and you say things and you say things without listening or thinking about what they mean. You are going for laughs and you are going for recognition and you are going for everyone’s attention and sometimes your thoughts don’t have a chance to pass through your heart in their speedy journey from your sick head out of your potty mouth and then before you know it, the damage has been done.
I want to apologize (yes again and even more so this time) for the insensitive remarks I made on “Watch What Happens Live”. It was disappointing – in that I really disappointed myself because I have wanted to be on that show since it’s been on the air, and my ever present longing to do well and make a splash and have an impact really backfired. I also did a stellar job in disappointing countless others with my callous, witless tongue. I was thinking about myself solely, no one else, which I hate. I was way out of line.
What I was trying to say – in my own ignorant and muddled fashion – is that I have fears about having children and whether or not my body – which I have ravaged and ruined myself with a thousand abuses from drugs and drinking to excessive eating followed by systematic starvation – etc etc etc – is capable of bringing a healthy baby into the world.
I think life is hard, and this planet is an especially unforgiving one – spinning thoughtlessly and carelessly on its axis without regard for humanity and all those who suffer daily from the dizzy – and if I want to drag someone else into this mess of a world – an innocent soul, a mere baby bystander – I want to give that kid the best chance possible. I want my child to have everything, and honestly, I am not sure my body can promise anyone that. I have long feared my body, held it at a kind of arm’s length, residing just outside my own lavishly decorated skin since nearly my very first conscious moment. I have shunned my body – blamed it and loathed it and now, years too late, I am finally trying to love it and understand it and treat it for the glorious thing that it is, my soul’s abode.
I lie in bed late at night wondering when my body will exact its revenge, take its deserved due, after so many years of acrimony and anorexia, hangovers and overtime, vicious colds and heartaches I have never allowed myself to recover from. Would it be now, when I have so much love in my life that I greedily seek to create more love, in the form of a child? Will my body fail me finally, as I have eternally failed it from practically the moment of its(my) own conception? It would only be fair, but as my unkindness towards others is but a mere shadow of the unkindness I am capable of against myself. I fear my body will have the last word, and instead of penalizing me only, it would hit me where I really live, in the body of my preciously abstract yet to be conceived child.
These ugly fears swirl in me constantly, and unfortunately, they came out, rude and plain, in an unguarded moment, on live television.
Believe me when I say I never meant to hurt anyone. Know that the children of the world, especially those differently-abled kids and their brave, ever noble parents and families, who have it hard enough to begin with, deserve much better than me and my idiotic need for approval in the form of nervous laughter. At the very least, please understand, I really have always tried to be of service to others, and even though I have hurt some along the way, there are still those who come to me and say I made them feel good when they desperately needed it, and stranger to stranger, actually helped them in their difficult lives. It doesn’t excuse my behavior, but it does mean my heart is in the right place. I try to be good, and at times (like these) I fail, but I will always keep trying.
I have long considered myself a protector of the bullied, champion of their causes and committed to their safe passage. What a rude awakening to realize I am myself a bully – nothing but a bully in dire need of comeuppance and a slap in the face.
Whenever anyone says anything unsavory in the media (see “shut up karl”), I am the first to cast stones, point fingers, howling like a banshee, calling out loud for apologies and retribution and reparation and openly painful regret. Now, I lie bleeding against the shards of my own glass house.
Let my sorrow and guilt pay for my misdeeds and know that I will try each day, every day, always and forever more, to be better.
If I forgive you, it means I forgive myself for all the similar things I’ve said. So yes, I shall. We love you, Margaret. We won’t ever stop.
Comics have been making sensational statements for decades margret. You are no different. Some leople do get offended when they hear things they dont like but not until recent years have they been so able to vocalize there feelings. Sadly as a comic a joke can go either way and i do not think people shoukd take it so seriously. Yea off colorered humor never goes well with everyone but thats the point. Its ment to shock. Dont appologize for ur humor. I didnt think it was offensive. I thought maybe a little insensitive but then again it was a joke. Most people have way to much voice about how they feel about things yet themselves dont follow the same tenderness they expect from others. Bottom line. If ur sorry u offended someone then appologize. But dont beat urself up over it. It was a joke and nothing more people need to lighten up
I appreciate your growth and offer only this as a gift (it made me laugh!) “the truth will set you free – but first it will piss you off!” -Gloria Steinem Be Well!
Margaret – we all use the wrong word some time, without thinking! I knew exactly what you meant, when describing having a child when you’re over 40.
We know that your heart is kind and wonderful! So please don’t ever change! xoxo
Thanks for your heartfelt apology. We all mess up sometimes, even when we’re trying to do the right thing.mo
I don’t think you should be so hard on yourself! We all make mistakes, but at the end of the day your intentions were good. I don’t think this makes you a bully at all. To butcher a quote from Julia Sugarbaker (that’s right honey, I’m going DESIGNING WOMEN on you!) “All that matters is what is true and truly felt.”
I so get that fear of what your child will be like and how will you care for them and what’s going to happen… It is scary. There are worse things than having a child with special needs. There are more horrible fates than that. And once you have a child, you just might find that you have more strength for them than you ever did for yourself.
I really hope a special child finds you, and I’m pretty darn sure you will love them, whatever that specialness entails.
Margaret,
We have all said things in haste. We have all stuck our foot in our mouths at one time or another. I do not believe for a second that you were trying to be malicious. We all make mistakes. I am proud to be a fan still and I find amazing that you apologize when others in the spotlight do not. You are an amazing strong woman, who brings the light of laughter into peoples life. There were times when I felt like my world was shattering and that I could not even muster up a laugh; however watching you made me smile. I want to encourage you just as you have encouraged me. Stop beating yourself up. Much love.
This post, took my breath away! This certainly was from the heart and actually made my heart hurt for yours.
Honestly, if you ever come to Houston, Texas, I would love for you to meet my youngest child, Carter who has Down syndrome.
Your heart will melt and I would imagine that your fears would dissipate, as you will find that children with Down syndrome love unconditionally and what more could you ask for.
My daughter is 11, and is severely delayed. By your definition, I suppose, she is retarded.
She is also the most beautiful person I know. She doesn’t hold grudges, she has no bias or prejudice of any kind.
If you had made a racial slur or a homosexual remark, would all of these butt-kissing comments still be here? I find it sad that because the word “retard” is such a part of our vocabulary, everyone thinks it is no big deal. You call yourself a human rights activist, but you used our most vulnerable population to get a laugh. You didn’t just let it slip, you beat it to death.
I’m glad your sorry, but I’ll ask you what I ask my son when he gets in trouble for something–are you truly sorry, or just sorry you got in trouble? This has the feeling of damage control to me.
I admire how some of the folks who have commented have special-needs kids, and they are very forgiving. Me, I’m just a bitch. What can I say? I’ll just have to keep trying to be better.
I think you are harder in yourself than anybody will or can ever be on you (I myself am that way as I believe most good hearted sensitive people are). An while I don’t know youand pro ably will never even meet you, I feel I understand you. Forgive yourself, we all say things that don’t come out right, you just happened to have done it on live tv in front of millions. Your fans know your heart is in the right place and you should take comfort in that if you can.
I’ve never written to someone I don’t know, but I could feel your pain in your writing and it moved me to offer some words of support.
In kindness,
Caren.
And for what it’s worth, I’ll cut all of your champions off at the pass–I have messed up numerous times in my life, in ways that I have no intention of going into here.
But I can say with no hesitation whatsoever that I have NEVER, “accidentally” or otherwise, let slip with that word in a mean way. EVER.
wow, Margaret, I love you so much. This is so beautifully written, and I think these are all huge things to be thinking about and that many of us think about it, but you say it so well. And we all make mistakes, you are so strong for stepping up and apologizing and owning up to your mistakes in public. Most people {{cough::presidentialcandidates::cough::cough}} don’t have the lady-balls to do that. But don’t be too hard on yourself, I forgive you, please forgive yourself, too. Women really are too hard on ourselves a lot of the time. Again, thank you for this writing, it is really making me think about a lot of things, that I probably wouldn’t have if this hadn’t happened. So, there’s your silver lining.
Keep kicking ass, woman!
Janice, take a cue from your beautiful child and stop holding grudges.
Well said Janice. Her heartfelt apology might be easier to swallow had she not pre-empted with her comments in “Ater Live”…..Really? You think you’re going to have to”Tracy Morgan” it? Really? And BTW, more children with DS are born to parents in the ‘typical’ child bearing ages…. You need to f’n educate yourself before you go flippin’ off your mouth. And NO, you DO NOT already look like you have Down Syndrome! Our children are beautiful….you are just a washed up old hypocrite advocating the bullying of people who are different than you. so NO! We DO NOT accept your attempt at a fake apology. Why don’t you adopt…adopt a child with down syndrome from foreign countries, where they are herded into institutions at the ripe old age of 7 years old, and left to die with adults with mental impairments….just because they are born different. Put your money where your mouth is, Bitch! And wake up to the real world of injustice and bullying! You F’n HYOPOCRITE!
Margaret
I just saw the video of what you said on the show and was really hurt, and was thinking damn she was one of my favorite comedians!! But then I came and saw your apology! Thanks for that:) I has a special needs child at 19 years old who is the love of my life. I don’t think that you should be worried if you child has special needs you will not be able to give the the world. Either way, delayed or not, mommy is their world! I know you will be a great momma:)
Bravo Janice!!! While I do believe there is a certain amount of sincerity in this latest post, it still REEKS of damage control…this does seem more heart felt…but in my honest opinion I wonder how up in arms you would be Margaret, if someone made a derogatory comment regarding your ethnic background or that fact that you are a lesbian…neither of these things I have a problem with, nor am I afraid of…what I am afraid of is the unknown…as in every day as I try to care for my son and guide him through the everyday perils of life along with the challenges he deals with on a daily basis being autistic, 13 years old and just wanting everyone to love him…there are people in everyday life that point, snicker and make snide comments because even though my son looks like a perfectly normal 13 year old, developmentally, emotionally and socially he is less than 5 years old…he is significantly delayed in many areas…but his normal appearance makes it extremely difficult to discern that when you are someone who either does not know any better or is too self absorbed or ignorant for want of a better word, to notice that there is something different about him…one woman said in a grocery store “no child of mine would ever be such a little monster in public”…coincidentally, she had no children…it just boggles the mind how frightened people truly are of what they don’t understand or have to deal with on a regular basis….I guess what I am trying to say is…don’t complain about the blisters life’s walk gives you unless you have walked the walk I am walking now…I walk a tightrope every day hoping my son will have a good day…we have those good days, but we also have the bad ones…and lately they far exceed the good ones…Margaret you said you have very little experience with children and mothers…so how can you possibly make a remark like that and not expect to catch holy hell for it? It is good that you have fans that shout freedom of speech and sing your praises…but I think that their criticism of those of us who were hugely offended on behalf of our children is more derived from your celebrity status and not from a true understanding of the impact the words of a public figure can make on an entire population…my son knows that he has autism, but he does not truly understand how deep his disability goes…I agree with you Janice, guess I am just a bitch…and I try to do better, but then I get bored and go back to being me…
Well I don`t know what you said but it must have been about people who are mentally retarded, I have cerebral palsy & so was brought up in situations where there were mostly special needs kids, In fact I was probably in 5th grade before I knew they were “different”. I`m a nurse now & work with special needs adults & ya know what? I doubt that any of THEM give a rats ass!! Lol. Any one who feels the need to take offense can blow it out their butts. You are a wonderful funny woman & do not need to feel guilty for being honest.
Love you always.
Love is all you need and we know you have a lot of it to share.
Thank you for the lives you have surely saved in being an advocate for LGBTQ equal rights.
J
You did not even use the adjective a “retarded” baby…but to use the word “retard”. Where did you learn English as well as bigotry?
You rock, Margaret. Can’t wait to see you at Cat’s Cradle! You apologized, and your fans know you’re sincere. We consider the source and know you have always stuck up for people who are different. Anyone who doesn’t accept your apology, most likely wasn’t a fan to start with. Don’t sweat it, and as Zora said, keep kicking ass!
That may be harsh….but only 1 in 100 of our kids get to be born….comedians and Drs both ADVOCATE the slaughter of this human life….the new genetic testing, and your words COMPOUND this situation….and personally, I feel like you, and others like you, are modern day Hitlers in the public advocacy of KILLING these children…. And to what effect? Into making a pure race of people? You preach killing these precious children who only want to teach us how to love unconditionally. You want to learn?…..I’m from Missouri….SHOW ME! Let your first child be one of ours….you will be a better person because of it.
I appreciate your effort to make what I feel is a sincere apology for a joke, that I think was meant to be self deprecating, but ended up being an extremely poor choice of words.
There are some people who are going to be determined to view your apology as insincere and hold on to their precious righteous outrage with all their might.
There is nothing you can do about those people. All you can do is learn from your mistake, hope others learn from it also and try to do better next time.
Still a fan.
@ Ann
Here I am with the new blog post. I still stand by my previous comments. Furthermore, there are a couple “differently abled” people in my life. If you walked up to one of these people and called them a retard, that would be offensive to me, just as if you called them idiots or morons etc. To simply use the word retard in reference to a non-existent baby is not offensive to me. What I’m trying to understand is why previous versions of retard are not offensive to you. If the year were 1912, your 13 year old son would have been labeled by the medical community an imbecile. Why can I call someone who is being stupid an imbecile and that not offend you the way retard offends you? This is the hypocrisy I’m referring to. Is there any way you can offer an explanation without attacking me? I also don’t get offended when people use slurs for homosexuals. Going back to actions speaking louder than words, it’s the fact that people are passing laws to exclude me from basic American rights that offends me. No laws are being passed to keep your son from marrying or procreating. In fact, laws are being passed to ensure your son is accepted into society. So, please, explain to me why this one little word is exponentially more offensive to you than anything else.
Since your publicist probably wrote this, I don’t think forgiveness is in the cards for me.
I don’t honestly believe a word of this.
Franklin, I really don’t think you’re doing yourself or Margaret any favors at this point by continuing to make this argument about semantics. I do agree with you that words do change in meaning over time and sometimes people use a word that is considered offensive by some in ways they don’t intend to be offensive.
Words have whatever power we give them. However, I don’t think your argument is that relevant in the case of what Ms. Cho said.
If she had said I don’t want a “cripple/handicapable/developmentally disabled/differently abled” child etc. people still would have been offended.
It’s the idea that she’s saying she does want a “retard” that is offensive, not just the word itself.
I however, feel these people are reading something into her statement that was not intended and thus find it disappointing that these people insist on clinging to their outrage and rejecting any attempt Ms. Cho makes to apologize for her remarks.
@ joystick
I’m not really arguing for or against Ms. Cho at this point. I’m just trying to understand Ann’s perspective, honestly. It is all about semantics and it is ridiculous. I’m truly interested in understanding why retard is so much more offensive than its predecessors.
@fran My guess would be simply that it’s more recent. I doubt a lot of people even realize some of those other words people use to call people “stupid” were once used to refer to people with mental handicaps.
I can remember having a teacher in third grade who flipped the fuck out on a grade school student who used the word “retarded” because she had a downs syndrome kid. I mean like screaming at the top of her lungs in front of the class. Obviously it’s a big time trigger word for some.
Interesting, as I flip over to my FB timeline there’s a joke posted in just the past 30 seconds where someone in a picture says “i’m so retarded.”
It’s something people say without thinking about it. I do it myself sometimes, but I try not to, because the word isn’t so valuable to me that it’s worth hurting feelings over.
I personally am more concerned with people’s intentions than the words that they use, but obviously not everyone thinks that way.
How many of you that are SO offended because someone used a word… a word that only has a meaning if you let it – are for gay marriage? Are you for equal rights?
Do you even KNOW Margaret or are you trampling around throwing your hissy fits based on this one time event? Margaret has put her CAREER on the line so many times to stand up for the hated, the unloved, the freaks, the people society throw away… She has been doing this for decades. Regardless of what she said, most of you whining are here just to whine. Your children were not attacked, they were not hurt and the only person it has affected is you.
Margaret, you are so loved. Anyone with a shred of intelligence knows where you stand and where your heart is at. Thank you for the dozens of years you have stood up for those of us who had no voice and risked your life and career to do so.
Well said Chad. Based on what I know of Ms. Cho from reading her blog and watching her shows, I am convinced that the person who is most disappointed in Margaret Cho right now is Margaret Cho.
I really think some people just get off on being offended. She could go all Oprah and start 14 schools and adopt 23 “differently abled” children and devote the rest of her waking life to the cause and these people would still insist it’s all spin.
I’m with Janice. You DID beat it to death and it sure sounded like a snippet of something you wrote for your upcoming “mother” tour. Comedians often use their pre-thought, pre-written, pre-rehearsed material on talk shows. It certainly didn’t look like a foot-in-the-mouth moment to me.
And fans like Chris who blow it off as “just a joke” belong to the ignorant mass of bigots with an inability to empathize. It wasn’t funny.
Comparing this “jest” to jesting about other minority populations such as Asians and Lesbians, is not acceptable because unlike the other minorities that are faced with ignorant ridicule, our population of people with special needs cannot speak as loudly for themselves. This is a silent minority that must rely on empathizers to advocate and speak for them.
I am a single mother of two babes with special needs and one of them has mental retardation. Mental retardation IS a medical term, by the way, but is being replaced with the more politically correct “intellectual disability.” The prior label did not start off politically incorrect. It BECAME politically incorrect through its misuse by bullies. Give our thoughtless society a few good decades and the powers that be will have to think up ANOTHER term to replace “intellectual disability” because bullies will find a way to misuse IT TOO.
I absolutely think that you are sorry that you were ill received, rather than sorry for who you hurt. Would you have still reflected on your nasty skit if everyone laughed with you? No. You would have patted yourself on the back for a great success. You knew what you said was “raunchy” and you said it anyway. Multiple times. I’m sure that you learned some sort of lesson, though, even if it is a lesson based on protecting your reputation better next time. It sounds to me like you believe in Karma. So even if you don’t truly empathize with children with special needs and the parents that love them, I’m sure your fear of bad karma will ensure that you don’t belittle and bully our silent population again. And sometimes that’s all we can hope for: that the ignorant meanies just keep their thoughts to themselves….. baby steps.
Chad, you are ignorant. DO not compare my non-verbal son to verbal gay people who can speak up to defend themselves.
Margaret, put your money where your mouth is. Your apology will look more sincere if you donate a LARGE CHUNK to one of the many foundations for children with mental retardation…… It’s a material world, honey so loosen up the purse strings. Chad says you have spent your life defending minorities. Well, what are you going to do now for this one that you have publicly belittled?
Margarita, go have another Margarita!
Shouldn’t you be looking after your child instead of writing a book?
We all have our less than glorious moments, our slip ups, our mistakes, our poor judgement, and not thinking before we talk. Fortunately, most of us don’t do that in front of a camera. It’s unfortunate you did, but you are human, as demonstrated by your blog post. I have been a fan since before All American Girl, and have loved you for years. You have been a champion for the disenfranchised, and I for one forgive you for messing up. You’re human and imperfect and also fricking wonderful. I can’t wait to see you in Vermont! Sending love your way.
Frankly, arguing semantics is crap. It was meant offensively as it always is when used that way. Intent is everything.
My biggest gripe is just what I said it was–if she had used the dreaded n-word, the media would be calling for her head on a platter. Period.
And I think people who use it on their facebook status are jerks, too. I don’t have to listen to people I find offensive, and I won’t. I am just fascinated by the people who think it is no big deal, and I hate bullshit excuses. I’ve expressed my opinion, and I am over it. Also, ger, how much I would love to be as forgiving as my daughter. Alas, I am not. At least I am honest about it.
Pardon the quick summary here but I am a mother and need to tend to my family, both my neurotypical and exceptional needs children and spouse. What screamed in this apology that only came after the community demanded it, is what I have copied and pasted below…it is all about her body, her life, her fears and a few threads about the impact of the families and babies she assaulted.
Those of you who do not understand need not worry, as the statistics will give you ample opportunity at some point in your family or close friend’s life..Sadly, regardless of her ADVANCED MATERNAL AGE ( DOWN SYNDROME is but one of thousands of genetic and neurological, cognitive, social emotional, sensory, muscle and brain disorders to consider, ) she has inherently stated that she is not equipped to parent because a individuated adult parent knows they are not about themselves any longer. An emotionally stunted adolescent writes as if it is a journal entry about acceptance and social forgiveness. Parenting has little to do with that, as it is all about the child. This does not mean you disappear into the woodwork of your life but you become the frame, the foundation and those that are this consumed, regardless of age, cannot do this.
Neurotypical children, in fact, are the most demanding in some ways, because they can, and they will, without let up. I love them, love mine and am so thankful for how I have been able to cut loose from those immature strings that limit one’s life.
Ms. Cho, you made a choice. A deliberate choice. It was not a slip. It was intentional. It was for a reaction and you are receiving it and my belief there is more to come. In the exceptional needs community, families work tirelessly to teach social cues, etiquette, to learn self regulation, impulse control and they live their entire waking and sleepless lives repeating it so when someone in your position blatantly goes against all that hard work, a blog will not suffice, whomever wrote it. A life change. Like the Athlete, who had dog fights and now speaks and volunteers. It is my belief that to turn this ship heading for an ice berg, a major life shift is in order, including time and energy with the special needs community. Real time. Real energy. A real Shift. Your angst and hole in your heart longings just may be filled a bit. (interesting, one of the Captcha words is Cruelty,)
Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a personality disorder[1] in which the individual is described as being excessively preoccupied with issues of personal adequacy, power, prestige and vanity. This condition affects one percent of the population.[2][3] First formulated in 1968, it was historically called megalomania, and it is closely linked to egocentrism.
I made some typos and if I could, would edit it for ease of read and it really was not a quick summary was it?
In sum, …perhaps your road, your tour ..just veered.
And perhaps, to your surprise and to all who must forgive you because we are called to do so, you will be beautifully surprised and able to make an impact that only few can at your public level, not for publicity but for the very vulnerable..
Prepare yourself for this as it is very real and we are talking about children 3, 4 and 5 year olds duct taped, locked in dark rooms, and recently a wood box, their bathroom and water removed, left outside in 100 degree heat, died and this continues in the USA ..
I am not talking about adolescents who were lost in the system but vulnerable small children, see it through the end and then consider your life journey…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K239Glb77y4
I saw this today and thought it very appropriate for many here to consider:
“Raising a child with special needs is not the worst thing that can happen. The worse thing that can happen is raising a child who is cruel to those with special needs.”
That being said, I believe Margaret is truly sorry and has given a lot of thought to this. Ironically, it is those with special needs who would be the first to forgive her because, well, forgiveness is something they do very well. My son is 22 years old and never holds a grudge. In fact, I’ve never heard him say a bad word about anybody, ever. Never. Sometimes I’m ashamed that I’m not more like him in that regard.
Margaret, reading your comments leaves me with one thoght, there is a mom in you wanting to emerge. Well if you want to have children, go about it and best to you.
As for regrets, leave them in the wind, for the now and the future lie in wait, possibilities are endless.
Gurl,
Don’t let everyone get you down. There are much more offensive things you could have said. Your words were about a hypothetical situation. You weren’t standing at the pulpit saying to round them all up and put them behind fences. Now that would have been terrible!
I wonder if you would have said “intellectually challenged” or “special needs” or whatever flavor of the month PC thing you can say, if the reaction would have been any different. The terminology for said people has been an ever evolving thing. The term you used would have been acceptable mid-20th century. The word Retard means “slow”. It is other peoples interpretation or feelings towards that word that make it taboo. The words “imbecile, idiot, and moron” are perfectly acceptable to say now, because the perception of that word has changed from describing a medical condition to describing someones intelligence.
Like when a black comedian says “cracker”, it has no negative connotation to me. I hear “delicious snack” and laugh that they think it is an insult.
How are you complaining people any better than Margaret?
You are making someone feel bad, for making people feel bad.
You are hypocrites.
Accept her apology or don’t, but continuing to insult and berate her makes you less of a righteous person and more of an a$$hole.
Say whatever you want. It’s your mouth, use it as you see fit. Fuck ’em if they can’t take a joke.
So sick of people apologizing all the time. Say what you want. Stand by it.
I consider myself one of your biggest fans! I have loved you since the first time I saw your standup when I was only in high school. I love your honesty and your ability to find the humor in some really fucked up situations. I have always admired your politics and the way you have always fought with so much passion for equality. I have always been able to relate to your struggles with body image, and drug and alcohol issues. You have been my feminist hero for so much of my life.
I am also the mother to an amazing, beautiful little boy who happens to be autistic. Let me tell you, he is no burden. And I am no hero. He is so easy to love and being his mother has honestly been the greatest gift of my entire life. He has his challenges, as all of us do, but any effort I put forth in helping him to navigate this world that is so hostile to those with disabilities is nothing compared to the rewards I get in return. I feel like that needs to be said because his life has value. The hardest part of my job, as his mother and advocate, is making neurotypical people realize that different is not less and that his life is also valuable. I do not mourn for my child who is different. I celebrate his gifts, help him with his challenges, and we embrace the new “normal” of our lives. And our lives are pretty great. Perhaps not the life I expected, but definitely more amazing than I could have ever hoped for. And this wonderful child is also my hero.
When I heard about your comments, I honestly did not believe it! I didn’t think it was possible given your history as a fierce advocate for so many who have been marginalized and disenfranchised. My heart broke a little to find out it was true.
I do believe your apology is sincere and I thank you for it. So many people who use that word immediately get defensive and refuse to acknowledge it’s hurtfulness. So many think it’s okay to bully and make fun of people with developmental and intellectual disabilities. Thank you for realizing that those comments were hurtful to many in the disability community. A community that is large and diverse and could use an ally like you! I still love you. Possibly even more after reading this. You are only human and still one of my biggest heroes!
P.s. (I think a great place to start learning more about it is the Special Olympics Spread the Word to End the Word campaign and also to google Jim Sinclairs terrific essay “Don’t Mourn For Us”).
I am a person who like most of us is a person who has been in a position to be hurt a lot and also in other positions to do a lot of hurting of my own. Many times when I have been hurt, your words have been a balm to me. I’m disappointed in you for saying what you said. But I wish more people who have said things like this in the same cavalier spirit would have taken themselves in hand as you have, perceived their error and apologized as you have. I also wish that some of the folks in this thread would look to you for the example and stop offering you a huffy, entitled “defense” you aren’t asking for. I hope to offer as complete and clear an apology at the times I will inevitably do wrong. Words like yours, and like mine when I say hateful things however ‘inadvertently’ it may seem to me, don’t come by accident but bespeak a problem of understanding; when you or I apologize, it is an opportunity for us to grow, one that we owe it to ourselves and others to seize. Thanks for all you’ve done for me over the years.
Hi Margaret,
As much as your comments hurt me, I am sorry for the pain you must be going through right now. There is no worse pain than feeling I’ve hurt others and compromised who I am. Sometimes lessons come in an ugly way, even to good people, especially to good people perhaps. What you learn from it and do with it is the beauty, and you are a do-er — we who have followed your massive body of work for years KNOW that. So, I hope you can trust there can be a positive outcome to any terrible moment. Some commenters are suggesting you not apologize for speaking “the truth”. The problem with that is, you did not speak the truth. There is no truth in cruelty. It saddens me that people who support your work can’t see the difference between this and they other examples they are comparing this incident to. This shows me that you have an opportunity to be educated and then help spread the word.
Thanks,
Emily
The first apology seemed a bit “oops, my bad”. The second, longer one seemed more “cover my ass”. This one? I do find sincerity in. That said, I did gag a little over your use of the overly-PC “differently-abled” – but that’s my own issue 😉 I was shocked by what you said, then stunned to find out that you’re quite the civil rights activist. How could someone who fights for others use such cruel language?
Was it a thoughtless slip of the tongue? I don’t know. Do you now realize the pain you caused so many people? I hope so. Have you learned a valuable lesson in word usage? I think so.
I will accept this apology, on behalf of my 9 year old daughter with special needs, her siblings that love and have to defend her when people call her derogatory names, and for the family and friends who love and support us when others are so cruel.
When we know better, we do better. I hope you do better from now on Margaret. I want to believe you can.
People are taking this too far. Really, Margaret is a just a human being. People who can’t let go of this after such a clearly heartfelt apology that is their problem. I have been victimised, even abused, in my life, but seriously you need to learn to forgive and move on in life, or you only do harm to yourself. People are human beings, Margaret is a human being. I am not saying what was said was right, but she’s a comic and shit happens, and I don’t want a baby with these issues either – frankly name me one mother that does. And yes it has an impact coming from a public figure, and maybe it came out all wrong. But I find it admirable that Margaret has poured out her soul – don’t think that she needed to because I think this whole thing is going too far. Those that want to spout publicity stunt should really get a grip.
Definition of ‘human error’; the making of an error as a natural result of being human.
Enough said.
I was a fan of Cho before this incident. I used to think you were funny as hell (especially when acting like your mom) but you have crossed the line. As a lesbian and a mother of a “retarded baby”, I am so disappointed. My son with down syndrome is far from a retard… I would assume that you being a lesbian, would prevent you from being so ignorant. Guess not.
The sad thing about this is that you said “no one wants a retarded baby”, as a parent, you don’t get to pick and choose
What you get.
Thank you. I am one of those parents you speak of, and am proud of it. Your words did hurt, and they are mean-but I can forgive you. When I looked at my newborn baby boy with Down Syndrome 13 years ago, and he looked back at me as if to say “I know I wasn’t what you expected, but please, please love me anyway”, that my life was about to be blessed in ways even I couldn’t understand. Then I knew, it wasn’t about me anymore, it was about him. Good for you. Now go out and strive to do better. Now you know better-so do better. I forgive you.