Sometimes I just can’t make myself do anything. And then I just sit here, feeling bad about it, my inactivity, my sloth. I guess then I am actually active, because I am sitting here, and I am feeling bad, so that is two things I am doing at once. The problem is I feel guilty. There’s a badness that I associate with inactivity, as if time cost something and I have to pay for it in sweat or at least movement or at the very least, shopping.
Why cant I just be? Isn’t that meditation? Does it count as meditating if you are sitting there but not calling it meditation but merely zoning out and not looking at the tv and not thinking about anything in particular? That’s meditative, but I guess it can’t be called that unless you have your hands open on your knees facing up and maybe chanting.
I can’t even bring myself to read, which is the strangest thing because that is what I do best, read. I can read and read and read for days on end and if that is all I did I would be happiest, sincerely. I like to read, and smell my dogs farts as these two things mean I am living my mind’s ideal life, which is caring for nothing much except what my eyes are taking in like words and their meanings and being in the presence of animals who have been playing and now the swallowed air that went down in a joyful jump and bark is now coming out of their dog butts.
My dogs are farting and snoring and I can’t put a book up to my face and I can’t do anything. It’s weird, but it’s soothing to do nothing but breathe, which I guess is technically meditating however this is punctuated by looking at profiles of people I actively dislike on facebook. That is what facebook is for, or what I use it for, looking at people I don’t like but allowed to friend me anyway. So it’s not really meditating because I keep stopping to look at pictures of those I hate.
I want to eat something but I also don’t think eating is a positive activity if I am not hungry, so that’s not happening. I want to drink but it’s morning still, and there are rules I have set in stone about drinking and all things of that nature. So I am just going to stay here and sit here and I really think this is most of what my life has been, just sitting and staring, and that’s pretty good I think, considering.