I have never gotten comfortable with having group sex even though I have done it a number of times. More than what I can count on my fingers and toes, which dishonors them for all their hard work. It did make my hands strong for guitar and motorcycle, but as for getting anything out of it besides having lots of sex I came up empty handed.
What is my main problem with group sex? It’s never sexy. That’s the plain truth, and that’s quite a disappointment. I realize that the importance of sex is intimacy, the soul and all its components laid bare and set in front of another, and group sex, although it does affect the machinations of it, doesn’t accomplish it. There’s too many people. there’s too many factors that can cause a chain reaction of unpleasantness that is impossible to reverse, like a train with many passengers headed for a helpless maiden bound to the tracks.
You’re not likely to be attracted to every person in the bunch, which is no one’s fault, it’s just the way things are, and there is a level of compromised desire which I am frankly too old to consider. It takes a lot to get me off now, with my advanced age and dead tired nervous system. My wires are disconnected in some places, burnt out in others. The ends of them are frayed and there are frequent brown outs and flickerings and surges that defy prediction and more importantly, even the hope of repair. That happens as we grow old. There’s parts of the body we don’t even feel, don’t access or care about in the least, as if we die bit by bit every day, the gradual eventuality of oxidization. I am rusty and nearing the midcentury point. It’s all downhill from here and I need less of myself as I move on. I don’t think this is bad. This is merely life. I don’t judge myself for how long I have been here living it. It’s not my doing and its everyone’s fate. Whatever whatever. I am good and whole and going grey and its ok.
There is the fantasy of groups, the feeling of recklessness and delicious abandon, but all this pales in the face of harsh reality, and I don’t know if I can stand to fake it anymore, whether it is for an audience of 1 or hundreds. I should write a book about all my experience, as it has been quite a ride. I have many books in me. This I know.