I have some wonderful new tattoos on my ass by the incredible Cris Cleen, who I love, and I posted a picture of them on twitter, which got many favorable comments but there were two negative ones, and I blew a fucking gasket. I screamed out loud and tracked the perps down and blocked them, but not before really ramming it to them in the strongest language I could use. It was over the top and really kind of ridiculous, but I cannot help myself.
Some outside facebook observer said that my “language” was too much and told me that I had “lost a fan” because she couldn’t condone my “language”. I am sorry for that, as I love my fans, and it sucks to lose one, but obviously she doesn’t understand that when you grow up the way that I did, with kids at school throwing rocks at my face because they hated it because it was so ugly to them and they wanted the blood from my wounds to cover it so it wouldn’t have to be seen and at summer camps stuffed dog shit in my sleeping bag because I was told time and again that I looked like shit – and that I had to empty myself in the dark forest and still sleep in smelling that shit all that night and for weeks after because my family was too poor to afford a new one, my “language” is on the strong side. I apologize for offending the former fan, but I am only myself. That is all I can be, and if I must apologize for that, I don’t mind. All I am trying to say is that no young girl should be told she is ugly. If she is, you kill her spirit, and she may grow up like me, and lose a fan.
I grew up hard and am still hard and I don’t care. I did not choose this face or this body and I have learned to live with it and love it and celebrate it and adorn it with tremendous drawings from the greatest artists in the world and I feel good and powerful like a nation that has never been free and now after many hard won victories is finally fucking free. I am beautiful and I am finally fucking free.
I fly my flag of self esteem for all those who have been told they were ugly and fat and hurt and shamed and violated and abused for the way they look and told time and time again that they were ‘different’ and therefore unlovable. Come to me and I will tell you and show you how beautiful and loved you are and you will see it and feel it and know it and then look in the mirror and truly believe it. If you are offended by my anger and my might at defending my borders and my people you do not deserve entry into my beloved and magnificent country.
If you were raised lovingly and told you were perfect and beautiful and loved and the best at all things, I am just jealous. You had it much better, and so you really should spread that love around as opposed to judging those like me who never had that, never knew what it was like and never could even imagine it. I could learn from you instead of feeling judged by you. Give the less loved and less cared for and less treasured a chance. If I had that opportunity, then my language and attitude might not be so offensive. If I had been told once when I was a little girl that I was pretty (other than when I was being sexually molested – that doesn’t count) it might have made me nicer. It just didn’t happen. So I had to make do and make up for it myself. And that made me a bit on the edgy side. It made me a bit of a bitch.
When someone says something negative about my face or body I will always and forever just completely lose my shit, because I have so much hatred in me, a violence that lies just beneath the surface of my delightfully illustrated skin. Being called ugly and fat and disgusting to look at from the time I could barely understand what the words meant has scarred me so deep inside that I have learned to hunt, stalk, claim, own and defend my own loveliness and my image of myself as stunningly gorgeous with a ruthlessness and a defensiveness that I fear for anyone who casually or jokingly questions it, as my anger and rage combined with my intense and fearsome command of words create insults meant to maim, kill and destroy.
Things I could say should be left unheard and unsaid because I am not willing to be the bigger person. I do not take the high road. I take the low road and blows below the belt are my absolute favorite. The best revenge is not living well. The best revenge is revenge. My mouth and mind and typing fingers are weapons of mass destruction and I pity those ignorant idiots who would leave insults about mine or any women’s bodies in comment boxes because there’s ways of hunting people down. Lots and lots of ways. It’s not as anonymous as they think, as stupid as they are.
I’d like to say things that would haunt them for the rest of their days, because their hideous words stay with me eternally. Their insipid spouts of “no fat chicks” are branded onto my soul, so they must reap what they sow. If I am in my worst way and I talk to you, you will know you have been talked to. I want to punish you with the unforgettable shit you will take to your grave and hurt you long after you are dead in the ground. may my poison bore holes in your dry, decaying bones. I am not proud of this, but it’s just the way this life has made me.
I want to defend the children that we still are inside, the fragile sensitive souls who no matter how much we tried were still told we were not good enough. I want to make the world safe and better and happy for us. We deserve beauty, love, respect, admiration, kindness and compassion. If we don’t get it, there will be hell to pay. I am no saint, but I am here for you and me. I am here for us, and I am doing the best I can.
Somebody accused me of being “thin-skinned” once for snapping at them after they said something thoughtless and gender-related. I told them I got like that from being rubbed the wrong way for a veeeery long time.
May I place a permanent link to this post on my blog at http://www.inyourfacewomen.blogspot.com ?
for one, I don’t understand why you would be called ugly – however people, kids etc are cruel and will find anything I suppose. whatever happened that can’t now be undone is what made you the amazing you that we all love… I for one am glad you are you!
Your writing is fucking beautiful. This is the first thing I’ve ever read that you’ve written, though I’ve seen your stand-up a few times. I always thought you were hilarious, but now I’m just grateful. The accuracy of your description of experiencing attempts on your sanity and sense of self is laser-sharp, and still only people who have felt that indiscriminate, lazy dismissal of their right to exist can *truly* understand them. I wish I could hug you.
you are so sexy, fucking hot and you gained a fan…lose one gained one..even steven…
oi saggy cheeks get yer tatties ooot
Well, I’ve always considered myself a fan of yours, but this makes it official. Cheers and all the best.
thank you so much for writing this. you gained another fan. as one who has been at the harsh and demoralizing receiving end of slurs and hatred towards his “asian eyes,” i resonate with your pain and path to healing.
dude. fucking rights.
absolutely badass.
if i wasn’t married i’d make out with you right now.
Thank you! You are beautiful on every level!
Nice ass…nice art…you are amazingly beautiful, bright and funny…don’t stop
Ms. Cho: My friend Laurel sent me this just minutes after I was verbally assaulted on the street by a truly evil man. I am a young hot blonde, full sleeves, standing at a corner, waiting to cross a street. A vile man says to me, “Are your arms tattooed?” I reply, “Yes, they are.” He says, “You are a disgusting pig. Tattoos on women are gross.” I wanted to take off my stiletto and stab in the face and heart with it, but I didn’t. I just crossed the street and went about my business. Then I read your blog and wished I could turn back time, stab that idiot in the face, then write and tell you all about how great it felt and to thank you for giving me the courage to rage back. Sorry my reply has a suck ending. I promise next time, and as you are well aware, there will be a next time, it will be juicy and bloody. I am forever and ever a fan of your beautiful face and spirit.
You’ve always been someone I’ve looked up to and idolized. I have the same inner demons so I can relate to the hurt and the hate. That one fan you lost is inconsequential to all of us who adore and love all that you represent. I think you’re beautiful inside and out, through good and bad days. I believe in you as many many others do. <3 you!
i love you. I wish we knew each other in our youth – we woulda been on fire against that hate crap… but we had to wait until we became adults. Fuck all the haters. Fuck them right in the ear!
Wow. I’m one of those that grew up being told I was pretty and wonderful and great, and I like to think that because of that, I grew up thinking everyone was attractive in their own way.
I’m so sad to hear that people said and did those things to you when you were a kid. People suck, and as someone who has lived an incredibly charmed, lucky, wonderful life, I want to apologize to you and tell you that I, for one, always thought you were pretty, and more importantly, pretty cool.
Looks aren’t everything, pretty people, you will get old one day, or fat, or both or have bitter lines on your face from all that frowning you did, or maybe if you’re lucky, laugh lines. Your ass will droop, and you will get jowls, and your skin will get papery or leathery, your hair will go grey or drop out, and all that youthful physical beauty you had will be forgotten. When that happens, you better have something else to fall back on. What matters is the beauty you keep inside you, how you treat people around you, and the things you’ve done.
Name-calling is ugly, and those who do it, are uglier.
Brains are beauty, if you ask me.
Sorry about your made up lies about your childhood dear. But you’re lying about all of it. I know your Asian friends. I know your parents owned that bookstore that was doing well on California & Polk. I know that your parents are landlords. I know that your friends were never black as you have maintained but always Asian, and you went to Lowell. What lies we weave. Oh and you never were friends with any black kids in school. Your childhood was not “hard”, you’ll probably “track me down” but you know it’s true, I know it’s true, I’ve met your ex-friends who knew you and who you hung out with. Don’t forget SF is a very small town. Everyone knows each other. I’m kind of doubting the molesting story too since you were brought up in a family with just your mother and father and brother.
You’re not the only celebrity to fabricate everything, look at Roseanne Barr, she lied about everything too, Angelina lies about everything. It’s par for the course. Don’t feel too left out.
I do think you have some intense issues and you need a good zen therapist to help you work them out. Peace, namaste.
Dear Margaret,
You are very, very beautiful. Not only your Tatts, tho they are. Your face is beautiful and your words are beautiful. Your anger is beautiful. Thank you for eviscerating those (now) rotting corpses formerly claiming to be men.you have gained a major fan. Glad you are you- language, rage and all.
<3
jonah
Thank you Margaret. I’ve been going through a horrible time, and your words are a light in the darkness. Thank you so damn much.
Roo
You might of lost two fans but you just gained one today. Thank you for the primal scream for all of us. MiMi
I wish I was like you. Powerful words that speak to my soul and I’m one thousand percent with you and I completely understand what you’re talking about, but unfortunately, I have not yet found the strength to overcome all the feelings of unworthiness that have been – obviously – implanted in me for life. I’m glad to see people like you exist. Kudos.
For what it matters, Margaret… I think you are beautiful! I just stumbled on Cris Cleen’s work last week and was marveling at his talent. His tattoo on your backside looks amazing! You rock!
Thank you for losing your shit. Your tattoo is gorgeous. And so are you.
A new fan,
Torontowoman
HALLE-F*CKIN-LUJAH!!!!! I must say that I have never read something that I agree with more. As someone who has battled weight and self image issues since birth and finally learned to embrace who I am and say F the Haters, I applaud you for standing up for yourself and people like me.
I was forced onto prescription diet pills at 13 by a mother who repeatedly abused my sister and I since we were so disgustingly fat to her, even at a size 6, it was never enough for my size 20 mom. Oh the irony. After years of being brutally chastised by my family and everyone in school, striving to to “fit in” at any cost, my health took a huge hit thanks to dangerous dieting forced upon me.
I gained all my weight back (to a 16) and had to force myself to love myself and now really feel like confidence and strength have lead me to the beauty I now see. My life is so much better than my painful youth, but when I know how you feel when you get reminded of it by insensitive assholes. Sorry for the long post, I never do this, but I was just so excited to see something that spoke to my heart the way this did.
May I please repost this on my plus-size fashion blog as part of my self-esteem posts?
I love you Margaret Cho. You, your boldness, your buns, your fighting for the child in us all… I love you.
I don’t know where all the hate comes from that gets spewed all over the world and all over the internet. It sucks. I’m so glad that despite that, you put yourself out there and make the world a better place. I hope you feel the deep gratitude coming to you from every corner of existence–stronger, and deeper and more real than any of that other ca ca.
You are so fucking gorgeous it’s killing me. Your words are a salve on my own wounds; water as I drag myself through the desert; food after years of starvation. Thank you Margaret.
thank you.
this makes me so incensed, but at the same time so happy. i am so happy that there are people like you to get in the face of every simple-minded shallow loser out there and say no, you don’t get to disregard me because of how i look. no, you just do not. thank you for always sticking up for us. thank you.
You go, girl. I am still wiping tears – I know all too well about your childhood experience. I even had a child tell me that “God sure messed up” when he made me. I am envious of your strength, I can’t seem to develop that in myself. Thank you for sharing this. 🙂
You just gained a fan 🙂
Gained another fan. Keep counting.
This brought tears to my eyes.
You nailed it, you nailed it all.
Thank you.
For the record: you are a beautiful, smart, funny woman who deserves every success and all the love in the world.
Thank you for being outspoken about these things! What’s the good of being in a position to have a lot of people hear you if you don’t have anything worthwhile to say? More people need to speak up about this shit.
I grew up being called ugly names by many of my schoolmates. As an adopted Korean child in upstate NY, I was one of two Asian kids at my elementary school. My parents were awesome, but school kids are the worst when it comes to discovering new ways to be cruel. There was one particular boy who would call out to me, “hey Plateface!” all the time. When I broke my wrist in 2nd grade, he signed my cast “get well soon Plateface,” in really fat black marker. I really wish that I had pulled away before he had a chance and smashed him in the face with my cast. It still burns a bit when I think about it.
People need to learn that their actions and words have consequences. Like those two women who threatened the McDonald’s employee a while back, people need to learn that somewhere, someday, they’re going to say the wrong thing to the wrong person and end up getting their asses beaten.
Thank you for being a kick-ass, self loving woman who’s not afraid to call out some idiot on their dickotry!
You are beautiful, and your writing is so painfully accurate, beautiful, and so very much needed. So many go unloved and ridiculed and it is something that needs to change in this world of ours. Thank you for speaking out, for getting angry, and for (above all else) being you.
I stumbled across a reprint of your blog post on Jezebel.com, which I generally read with fairly low expectations.
Thank you for blowing me away.
I think that sadly every woman has her own internal version of the ugly fat girl — I have friends who are stunningly beautiful, and yet they always feel too short or too tall or too dark skinned or too stupid, etc.
I Love you so much for all you have done for me, and your mere existence makes the world a better place. It’s not logic, politics or any one thing in particular accept this. You inspire acceptance.
And you have a nice ass.
Thank you.
You’ve gained a fan in me!
My little inner child has to thank you for standing up against the haters. They have no idea what words can do. We have some very similar stories of our past and people should learn that we won’t put up with it. I will continue protecting women’s beauty inside and outside and this is our path of healing. Thank you.
You may have lost a fan because of language, but you just gained one for being honest. I never really knew who you were, but this article was linked on facebook by a friend. I swear, your story is so similar to mine, I am crying.
Thank you so much.
As always, and forever, you are amazing.
People like that have too many insecurities as well as problem..To make themselves feel better they tear other people down.Your gorgeous and a wonderful writer, if one fan couldn’t take you standing up for yourself it’s their loss. You gain several where you lose one.
Hi Margaret,
I read your article and thought now this is what I want to show my 2 year old daughter. I want her the best for her but as her father and not having the same struggles she will have I dont know what her life will bring. I will save this article and show it to her so she knows she doesn’t have to be nice.
That it is her life to make of it and she can be sweet and loving and vengeful and wrathful. Its her choice. Sorry you had such shitty experiences and I am sorry you had to face those crappy torments. Great job for making it and coming up with a life your own.
Thanks for the article and good luck to you.
Hey gorgeous, Lost a fan, gained a fan. I’m in. I will resurrect my twitter account from the dust.
Margaret, you are so fucking beautiful and fierce. Thank you, on behaslf of another one of the Picked On Kids who carry scars from cruel words. Thank you for every perfect fucking word of this. I was a fan and now Im a loyalist forever. Thank you for this gift. Im sorry it came at your expemse…yet by sharing it, many are comforted and emboldened by your unabashed dignity and fucking courage.
Your tattoos are magnificent.
Thank you
Much respect
Beth
Dear Oh Margaret.
How do you know Miss Cho wasn’t beaten and molested? Were you there ever night or everyday? I am willing to bet you are one of those people who would never believe the child who told you they were being hurt by someone….after all children lie all the time right? What you are saying is terrible and you should be ashamed of yourself because I know for a fact the type of scars “people” like you can leave.
To Margaret Cho.
You are a beautiful, talented woman who is strong and wonderful and deserves good in her life. I was like you for so long and finally when I was at the bottom, I learned to love me just for who and what I am and now my life is fantastic. If anyone says something mean to me I can look them straight in the eye and tell them that they are blind and need to get rid of their own cruel baggage. Then I laugh at what they said because of how absurd their words are.
You are beautiful just any other patchwork person.
Doe
Fuck yeah I love this! You just gained yourself a fan. Keep speaking your mind and doing what you do because you are awesome.