Thank you for all your wonderful comments and messages on this past blog entry. I have had a great week of taking care of myself and reading all your inspiring and loving words.
Also, as an experiment I decided to see what would happen if I gave up all processed and sugary foods for the last week. I feel good, but then when I was at a shoot I encountered a giant platter loaded with croissants and muffins, nutty banana ‘breakfast’ breads, bagels, cinnamon rolls glazed with snowy white frosting. Of course this is Hollywood and of course no one was eating it, and everything was getting a little hard in the air conditioning – the cake ever so slightly drying in the southern California desert climate, all cut up into ‘actress’ size pieces, the sugar glinting and glistening like tiny diamonds – there is nothing as beautiful as coarse grains of sugar baked on top of something! I got kind of insane. I literally had to leave the room. The smell followed me like a curled up, yeasty finger, tapping me on the shoulder, hooking my nostrils – trying to lure me back. I started sweating and I actually got scared! I got scared of the baked goods!! Isn’t that insane??? My scalp itched and my face twitched. It really felt like some kind of drug withdrawal, which it probably was – like dopesickness – although I have never actually experienced an opiate withdrawal, that’s what it seemed was happening.
I had a nightmare that night where I was trying to eat the inside of a loaf of unsliced wheat bread and my teeth were stuck in the doughy middle, falling out and staying in the bread, bloodying the thing, making the hard swallows thick and copper tasting. I have many dreams in which I lose my teeth because when I was little a young gay man was killed outside the bookstore that my parents owned. He had been gay bashed and they never found the people who did it. it was so horrible and terrifying and we found his teeth outside the store for weeks afterwards. Ever since then, broken teeth are scattered throughout the landscape of my nightmares: sometimes mine, sometimes his – but they are always there, the teeth. I woke up scared that I had lost my teeth yet again, and even more scared that I had eaten carbs. This is really crazy.
Last night there were some cookies left out on the bus – our tour bus is a rolling collection of deliciousness – all chocolates and chips and candies and cakes and every kind of alcoholic beverage in every drawer and cabinet, even spilling out onto the countertops – how I love the bus. The cookies were new, and I hadn’t checked them out yet, like I had with the golden oreos, like I had my way with all the sweet goodies laying out for me in my moving castle, queen of the empty calories. They were packed tightly together, not one was missing, a perfect row of lemony cookie goodness, neat and made by a loving hand. I wanted them badly but I could just notice my desire for them and not act on them, the need was not as urgent as it had been with the big tray of baked goods at the shoot. I didn’t have to leave the room. I could just sit there with the want and it didn’t make my face itch. I didn’t judge myself for thinking they looked like they tasted good. I didn’t have any because I had already brushed my teeth.
This sounds dumb but it’s progress. Every moment I don’t give into these food addictions is a victory. Each day I get stronger and feel better.