I am using this stuff called Latisse, which is the Brooke Shields endorsed serum that is supposed to grow your eyelashes. Me and my eyelashes have always had some problems. I have very short, sparse ones, which don’t curl up and do little else than fold back into my eyelid. They are fairly standard Asian eyelashes. I don’t mind them so much, but it would be nice to have long, lustrous glamorous ones without having extensions. My lashes are also a lot shorter than they used to be because I dumbly let a very inexperienced student put extensions on my lashes at my first Atlanta apartment last year. It was super scary and it took 7 hours and she used like crazy glue and iron shavings like she was drawing a magnetic beard on or something and in about 3 days, all my already short eyelashes broke off into my eyes. Before they broke off they were poking into my eyelid and eyeball and blinding me. Do not let anyone who is not licensed and trained specifically for the job do your eyelash extensions. It was like a coathanger abortion but for my eyes. It really hurt and my eyelashes have never been the same since and it has been a year already. She thought this was ‘funny’ and I was ‘devastated.’
I have been wearing false eyelashes since, which are a pain to put on all the time. I needed a better solution. Latisse was suggested by a makeup artist, and so I went to the ‘medical spa’ to procure it. It’s pricey; 2 small bottles cost $200, but it’s worth it. The shit works. The first time I put it on I could actually feel something happening. It was like I planted a row of eyelash seeds on my lid, and they started growing! Totally amazing. There are warnings all over the package that you are only supposed to use it once a day, and you should only use it on your upper lids. You are also only supposed to use the brushes provided in the packaging, but of course I ignored all that. It was working so well, I started using it several times a day, and also putting it on my lower lashes too. They have nearly doubled in length and density in about a month, and it’s making me up my dosage, using a narrow eyeliner brush to make the bottle last longer. It’s the eyelash equivalent of crushing up your prescription pain medication and snorting it. It looks so good that I don’t even need to wear eyeliner. I just curl my lashes and add some mascara and that is it. I totally feel like Rebecca Gayheart or Lori Laughlin or some babe from Full House or something – like all I need is Noxema to be beautiful.
Anyway, yesterday I noticed weird hairs sprouting out in a row underneath my eye! I am growing another set of eyelashes on the top of my cheekbones!! Its so fucking bizarre! It’s real wolfman style! I am feeling like that TV on the Radio song “Wolf Like Me” and wondering if I need to join Team Jacob because it’s really bad. I would have taken a photo of it but my makeup artist at Drop Dead Diva had to actually shave it off today so I could look ok on camera and not like a wolf girl.
I am not gonna stop using the Latisse, by the way. I am just gonna stick to doing it once a day. Either that or howl at the moon.