The Hotness

When I was little, I used to watch my mom dip whole jalapeno peppers into fiery hot chili paste and eat them like she was dipping celery sticks into peanut butter, and I would scream because the peppers were so spicy that MY eyes would be watering and I wasn’t even eating them. She would say, “no, that is not spicy.” But her entire face would be covered in sweat and her eyes would be full of tears, so I think it was spicy, but she didn’t want to show weakness.

I couldn’t tolerate anything spicy as a child, which is hard if you are Korean. My mom had to dip my kimchee into a little bowl of water before I could put it into my mouth. Of course this gave me a kind of spice inferiority complex that I had to somehow fix in adulthood. How I dealt with it was to push my senses as far as I could, seeking out the hottest peppers, the hottest hot sauce, the hottest everything. I doused everything in Tabasco, so much so that I once got a free table caddy filled with every kind of sauce that Tabasco makes, because I was such a loyal, vocal and famous customer. It sits on my dining room table permanently because I am always going to use it. I have even been known to keep Tabasco in my purse, which has sadly been left behind since the TSA now regulates liquids and gels in carry on luggage. I just have to trust that they will have it where I am going. Fortunately, they usually do.

Lately, my husband and I have been getting into Thai food which if done right is incredibly spicy. Here’s some folksy wisdom, if it hurts going in, and I assure you, it hurts coming out. I don’t think I am happy unless pure pepper spray is coming out of my ass. I could get another job escorting young women out in the streets at night because I am like a walking mace dispenser. I think I like it when my asshole is on fire. I don’t see any other explanation. And it always is on fire. When I wake up, the first thing I say to my husband is not ‘good morning’, or ‘I love you’. It’s ‘fire in the hole’. Just so he knows to get out of my way because I am going to make a big, flaming, acidic burning dispatch into my long suffering toilet. If you live like me, and your dinner requires its own safeword, then you understand. I am, the hotness.

22 Comments. Add To The Mix…

  1. Oh dear. My mother had to wash my kimchi in water as well. In fact just the smell of it now makes me a little woozy.

  2. I grew up on Mexican food, so I can take the heat. But I’ve noticed as I’ve gotten older I’ve had to tone it up a bit.

  3. You know, Margaret, chili shouldn’t actually make you suffer. And if it does, it’s a good sign your body doesn’t tolerate it well and should not be eaten.

    I’m one of those people who eats jalapeños by themselves, but there are those rare occasions when my tummy rumbles and I know I have to back off a bit. Nothing wrong in that 🙂

  4. That’s why I rock the Indian food. Only hurts from the neck up.

    In 2000 you played the DC Improv and coveted my sister’s thigh high blue leather boots.

    That is all.



  5. I could get another job escorting young women out in the streets at night because I am like a walking mace dispenser.


    Now that shit is hilarious.

    Probably because I can relate.

    Gawd, I haven’t laughed that loud or that hard in a good long time.

  6. I think I have the opposite problem. My mother likes to tell me this story about when I was about 2 years old. We had this neighbor that was Korean, she was the wife of a military man that abused her and kept her at home and wouldn’t let her learn english. My mother and the other women in the neighborhood taught her english when the asshole was at work. In return, she would give us gallons of this incredibly spicy homemade kim chee, and I would eat gallons of it. It was apparently my favorite food at that age. I would eat a big bowl of it and say “mo peese!” Now as an adult, I am kind of a pussy when it comes to spicy food. I am not a fan of having a burning butthole! I like spicy things on occasion, usually when I’m drunk. But I always regret it in the morning. 🙁

  7. I’m with RPGypsy… that “walking mace dispenser” made me roar with laughter. I’m going to be in trouble for waking up everyone in the house. I can see that bit being done on stage with appropriate (or inappropriate!) hand gestures and everything.

    Anyway, doesn’t the burn just feel like it cleaned EVERYTHING out?

  8. you’ve got to try “tuong ot sriracha”, or better known by my friends as “cock sauce”. it’s sold in most grocery stores, and has a big cock on the bottle. i freakin love this stuff! it goes on everything. i used to be into tabasco too, but this stuff has a much better flavor! oh you gotta try it!!!

  9. I laughed like a 7th Grader! ;D

    There’s nothing quite like the satisfaction of a mouth well burned and the Morning Ring of Fire… LOVE IT! LOL

  10. When I was a kid, Mom always made me a bowl of watered rice to take the sting out of kimchi.

    I’m proud to say that I’ve grown up and can eat sticky rice with the kimchi now!

  11. All of you who suffer eating hot food should check out manuka honey, a New Zealand product, that is very effective. A friend of mine pours tabasco over everything and used to suffer. One night I gave him a spoonful of my honey, and he happily stayed on it until he had a gall bladder operation which cured him completely – an unexpected result. I use it to control diarrhea – very, very good. You can google it, manuka honey – there’s a US distributor where I get it, and I promise your suffering will be over.

  12. Second the Hot Cock Sauce. I love to put it on just about everything, including hot dogs. Hot dogs with Hot cock! My kind of meal!

  13. im a big siracha fan,
    i dont think i like the sour vinegaryness of tabasco, but i still eat it.
    build that iron stomach!!

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