The Bible just got a makeover! There is a new teen magazine called Revolve, which is actually the New Testament disguised as a girl’s fashion publication. So instead of JANE, it’s MARY. It’s not TEEN PEOPLE, it’s TEEN DISCIPLE. It’s choc-a-block full of sidebars of top ten tips like where to go on a date (Take cookies to an old folks home., Start a prayer group., Wash his feet with your hair!) to beauty tips (prayer, as inner beauty cannot compete with makeup or skincare). Then there are reminders of how to be a Revolve Girl – Don’t call guys, don’t kiss and tell, guys don’t like that you show too much skin when you dress so be aware! I guess inevitably there will be dreamy pictures of Jesus, John the Baptist, and that bad boy Judas Iscariot (I just can’t help it, he makes me feel dirty!).
The magazine encourages the Revolve readers to be nice to underclassmen and to honor their parents, unless their parents want them to smoke pot, which is not God’s will, so there is a little leeway in the Ten Commandments that anyone could twist and turn into their favor. I think this is the best thing to happen to the Lord since, well, since the reformation of the church, let by Martin Luther, not the King, the German dude. It’s about making God appealing for teenage girls, because Christian opinion must think that these girls are so stupid that they will believe anything printed on glossy paper. To their credit, it is true. We are duped by the hi-shine veneer of fashion magazines, girls and women alike. From Teen to Mirabella, we believe, maybe not in God and the Holy Spirit, but Clinique and Zac Posen. We are devoted, but not to a religion that is old or particularly dignified.
It really is a cult, whose main philosophy is that “If you adhere to our principles and commandments and buy what we tell you to, herein lies power.” It is the empty promise that if you emulate as closely as you can the images underneath the gloss of the pages, you will be superior to other women, and therefore more likely to catch the approval of men, and that is really what we all want – right? I actually believe Revolve is a positive thing, because it doesn’t pretend to be the way to our salvation as the other fashion rags do. It IS the ANSWER, in that it is the WORD, the SCRIPTURE, the MESSAGE – and whether you choose to believe or not – by the way – I tend to be on the ‘not’ side – they are honest in the fact that it is the fucking BIBLE. Not anything but the alleged word of God written by a bunch of hippies a long time ago when everyone wore sandals. Christianity is often villified by the left wing intelligencia, and for good reason. They are capable of the most idiotic behavior, but sometimes, the simple belief that we need to be kind to others and to ourselves is a nice one, and a bunch of Christians I know are like that. So I prefer some Gospel to some media propaganda that is telling me I have dark circles under my eyes which undermines my chance at happiness – therefore La Mer is the Golden Calf I must bow down to. Kinda want to get a subscription to Revolve. I wonder if they have a horoscope…